Category

Menopause

Never Trust a Fart – and 21 Things You Need to Know at Midlife

  1. Get a bra fitting – be amazed and fascinated at what your true size is! Believe me, I thought I was in the 34’s until recently. Denial is a river in Egypt.playtex

2. Get a brow job and makeoverSephora is your new best friend. Or the Mac counter if you can take the music and the transgenders doing your lipstick. A gal at Sephora got ahold of me last week. I asked the innocent question-What is your BEST brow pencil? And I got a wonderful tutorial and an instant face lift. Do it, it’s worth it!

mebrows
3. QUIT with the high school hair-all I’m gonna say is if you still have the SAME hairdo as you did in your senior picture in 1978, get thee to a salon now! Farrah is (literally) dead. So is Annette Funicello – let’s get into 2014 and try something current.

RIP Farrah...oh and the sweater
RIP Farrah…oh and the sweater

4. Get a mammogram, colonoscopy, pap smear, stress test. It’s time. I don’t care if you just ran a half marathon or did hot yoga with the hot dude from town. Do it. Besides, a colonoscopy is a good 5 lbs gone and instant detox!

5. Moisturize-everything. Every day. Use the GOOD stuff, not the cheap Walmart stuff on your face at nite. Wear Sunscreen on your face. Let me tell you, I had a friend get a total facelift a couple of year ago, she looked like ET for a month, then a battered wife for the next and it still took a year for most of the scarring to heal and that surprised look to go away. I ain’t got that kinda time.
6. Exfoliate-this is the new mantra today-especially if you are hitting midlife. And let me tell you, you will be surprised at how well this works. I’ve been using Rodan and Fields exfoliate and AMP system and it has worked miracles. And no, I am not a rep. Also your body too-my calfs look like they belong in Gator World so I got that coconut palm oil sprayer thingie and do that in the shower. Works like a charm.

This stuff is the BEST
This stuff is the BEST

7. Pedicures-there is nothing worse than skanky toes in sandals. Please get a pedicure.

8. Carbs are not your friends-or rather, simple carbs are evil. Especially to me. And my teenager just got a job at a bagel place FTW. If its white, sugary and starchy you will end up with a muffin-which is what they are made of.

MuffinTop

9. Travel--go go go. Get a passport if you don’t have one. If anything you’ll feel kinda worldly. Take a girls trip. How cathartic are those??? I’m sorry but there is nothing better than sitting around a beach or mountain condo with your closest girlfriends drinking wine, laughing and telling stories. It’s that “Ok, so I’m not so crazy after all moment” that we all need once in a while

10. Keep toilet paper in your car at all times-trust me on this one…you just never know

11. Keep a journal

12. Get a decent camera-don’t rely on your smartphone to hold all your precious memories and porno shots. One drop in a toilet, or fall to a tile floor and all that could be gone, then you have to go to the phone store and have some basement nerd restore your pics. Woo hoo.  Back that baby up once a week at best. Get a nice digital camera-they now have wireless ones that you CAN post to Facebook, etc and still have that shot on a card you can download to your computer.

13. Try caviar – time to get adventurous with your food. Ok, I hate caviar but I love nigiri sushi-the really raw slab of fish (tuna especially) on hunk of rice. I also have found that quinoa, rice noodles, peppers and fried gator tail are pretty damn good. If you’ve made it this far without a major food issue, go for it. Still not sure about the chocolate crickets though.

14. Drink a Scotch – no carbs, no sugar and low cal. Also makes you more sophisticated, well maybe. Shots are so Carlos and Charlie’s in Cancun on a cheap cruise. Or Fireball Whiskey-oooh weeeeeeee

NOT a good idea...
NOT a good idea…

15. Get a car with heated seats-I will NEVER NEVER have a car again without heated seats. I don’t care how much the addition is, this one option is worth every penny. Especially if you are over 50

16. Fiber Fiber Fiber

17. Get a crock pot – you are busy and having a good time-makes cooking so easy

18. Buy anything with the word Astro in it – good advice from a wise sage in my family. I’ll leave it at that…
19.  Never trust a fart – especially during exercise. At this phase I have learned that if I am going to run, or downward dog, lactose is advised after exercising

20. Do exercise that you LIKE – so that means if you like to do the naked dance while doing laundry, its exercise in my book so go ahead with your bad self and pop a move-just make sure not to pop a hip.
And last but certainly not least (for this list anyway):

21. A Great Shoe and a Great Handbag don’t Judge…. You can be a size 14 or a size 6 and they will always be there for you to perk up your day. Don’t skimp and don’t wear Clarke’s on a date…

Oh HELL to The NO
Oh HELL to The NO

So, lucky for us, mom jeans are making a comeback, and MiracleSuits are on sale at Costco. Good luck my girlfriends-the ride is better HERE than anywhere!

 

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As Seen On TV!

asseenontv

I broke down.

I’d had enough.

I’ve sunk to the lowest of style lows.

I bought an “As Seen on TV!” Bra.

RIP Nordstrom bra lady, RIP Wacoal, RIP Victoria.

Here’s the secret:

It’s the most comfy brassiere (that’s French for bra, you know) I have EVER owned.

The other day, wounded and disheartened shopping through Walmart with my teenager who has now decided to decorate her bedroom in tacky leopard print and Xbox posters (It’s a phase It’s a phase, I know…gah…), I happened upon the section in the front-you know the one, the one by all the seasonal items-by the way, Valentine’s anyone?-that has the collection of egg timers, nose hair clippers, at home laser hair removal, chopper/shredders, bamboo steamers that you see on TV ads at 2 am while you are in the throes of a menopausal (or other) insomnia laden night. Some of you may remember the ShamWow for Christmas incident? BC is lucky to be alive, is all I can say…

funnyshamwow

I had seen the ad for the bras during a Kardashian marathon on E, but didn’t pay much attention to it, except for the part about hiding that nasty back fat. Oh, and the straps stay put, and the support. But anyway…

There they were. Front and center on the shelf in my local mega store and ONLY $19.95 for TWO!!!! I am a sucker for a deal.

So when you look on the back of the box for your size there is this chart:

So many sizes, so little time...
So many sizes, so little time…

When is the last time you really really had the girls measured? I mean, be honest.  For me it’s probably been 18 years and before I had my daughter. So I figured I was about a 38C ish.

Um, No.

So I thought, surely I am about a 38 C, D, E (F,G) and bought the XL.

When I got home, and I pulled it out of the box, it sure didn’t look like an XL. But, excited, I wriggled it over my head (think Spanx) and pulled and moved stuff around and got them all in there situated.

Still some boob fat on the side. That won’t do.

So I adjusted some more and voila! I need the next size up. Yay me.

I decided to wear it anyway. It was mostly a glorified sports bra with padding (that you can remove) without all the guilt about wearing it while NOT doing a sport. Genius!

And comfy.

I suggest you try it out.

And I will be going a size up. If for any reason but to go buy another box of 2. That’s 4 bra’s at about 10 bucks each. Such a deal!

So, buh bye Nordy, Wacoal, Vickie! You can take your wash in a lingerie bag in a gentle cycle and lay flat to dry $40 bra and shove it.

I’m taking the money I saved and going back to buy that at home laser hair removal kit.

I already have the super chopper.

 

Oh, and this isn’t a sponsored bra post. By anybody. Just little old me liking something I thought I would never in a lifetime buy…

I love sharing! Better yet-get me in your Inbox and sign up with your email right up thar on the right-Like my Facebook page too (even thought FB is stingy).

 

 

 

 

The Guilt Trip – Or I Guess I’ll Just Grow An Extra Toe

I just threw a plastic container in my garbage can. NOT the recycling can, the real, live, smells like rotten fruit, dog vomit, wiped up cat pee and coffee grinds-full GARBAGE CAN.

And now I will be going to recycling jail.

images

I just ate a bowl of fruit flavored Cheerios. You know, that evil Monsanto connected food product company General Mills? Yep, and I also had Triscuits (Nabisco) with Cracker Barrel Cheese (Kraft) and then a Lean Cuisine for dinner, a vodka martini with Ocean Spray, and a Cadbury bar for dessert.

Yep, Monsanto, Monsanto, Monsanto, Monsanto, Mon-freekin-Santo.

How am I supposed to eat? Me and my  family are a walking, talking ad for bad $hit in food and we are all still alive. We may have an extra toenail on the side of our feet, but dammit, Jim, we are still here.

When I separate the stuff on our kitchen counter to throw in the recycling bin that I pay EXTRA for, I know all of it goes all mushed together to some place where (for real ???) people with haz mat suits on separate every eensy teesny cup, bottle, paper, bag, ziplock, beer can, steel can and humongous plastic bottle at some facility on the south side of town.

Yeah, right.

I use energy. Oh yes, you electricity Nazi’s got many many good years out of me not worrying about how hot or cold I was and the temperature is just fine thank you in my house. NOT NOW. I am 53, and this summer put a turbo charger on that AC unit because it is gonna be 70 degrees or cooler in my house. Or else my (gasp) grocery store bought makeup will be running down my face at every degree over 70.

I eat red meat. Big juicy steaks, with loaded baked potatoes-don’t forget the sour cream and bacon. My husband’s favorite meal is country fried steak, which I cook in reserved bacon fat. Yep, the real deal. With a hearty glass of red wine. And cheesecake for dessert.

I found myself at a standstill recently because I want to do the right thing. But for who? Me? The environment? My family? The world?

And I can’t do it anymore. I was spending too much time worrying about what I was going to buy at the grocery store that I was getting paralyzed by the lack of choices and freaking about the frankenfood I was feeding my family. I was separating everything on my kitchen counters before I tossed it in that bin — my counters were so full of plastic bottles, cans, wrappers, small boxes that if the Hoarders folks showed up the cameras would have started rolling. I wasn’t getting enough sleep at night due to sweating (flashing and just being plain old hot) that I was a walking menopause zombie during the day. Looking to eat small children as appetizers.

funny-celebrity-pictures-hoarders-star-trek-edition

Then I woke up from my guilt induced haze and said, ‘Screw. It.’

Boy that is a freeing moment.

And yes, the whole GMO thing is bad. Very, very bad. I agree that we should not be eating or promoting this kind of food engineering. But you tell me what is going to happen when all of these companies that are trying to feed 200 million Americans try to keep their products safe from bugs, be plentiful, and cheap. If you think of a solution let me know.

And we recycle. As best we can. But I am no longer going to lose a moment of cool sleep worrying about that plastic water bottle I tossed in the garbage at the Mall. Or that Starbucks coffee cup that had that $4 latte in it.

And I’m done feeling guilty about it. I do the best I can for my little family. I donate food to the poor (Sorry, it’s GMO…), I give my time to charities, we do Meatless Mondays in our house. I do what I can. And I refuse to make OTHERS feel guilty about it either.

We can change the world. But it happens in baby steps. One person at a time in their own way. I’m going to just let it go and not worry about it.

Any. More.

After I finish this Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal.

royale-with-cheese

Sounds so much more delicious in French…

It’s Time we get a Fake ID … again….

fakeID2

I am halfway to 54. One year away from the brass ring –  The SENIOR DISCOUNT!! It’s been a journey and since any day on this side of the dirt is a good day for anyone over 50, I think there are some perks that we need to have brought back that we enjoyed in our late teen years. I just got my first one.

A FAKE ID.

If you are somewhere in this awesome demographic (without a personal relationship with a fabulous plastic surgeon), you are probably getting that proverbial question (of course when you don’t have on makeup…)when you shop at the local grocery store, the mall and for me, slumming at GOODWILL:  Would you like the Senior discount????

At first, I was offended when I was asked this question. Being the insecure girl that I am, I started looking into cheap plastic surgery options and expensive face creams. Exfoliating 20 years off my face manually is going to take some time. LifeStyle Lift, anyone?

But then I thought, Hey wait a minute, I need a fake ID, and I bet I could make a quick buck selling these babies!

And Wednesday is a very special day in our world now.  Most stores offer special discounts on Wednesdays to seniors, and many stores are starting to CARD us to see if we qualify.

I mean REALLY????

Girlfriend, if you have the cojones to ask me for my ID for a Senior Discount then I should get the discount just be cause you ASKED!

Hey singlefriends in my demo–did you know that on Wednesdays, at many Costco’s (at least here, anyway) many single over 50’s hang out at lunch in the little food court and mingle. YES, Costco on Wednesdays. Time to pack up my coupons and  go catch me a little strange in the sample aisle….

There are benefits to making it over the 50 hump.  Many of which are widely known and discussed around the interwebs all day long.

But I think, until we are 60 plus, we should be just like our teen counterparts and carry a Fake ID – that way we get the 25% discount on our booze at Costco, the early bird special at Applebees, buy one get one Fiber Plus at the grocery,  and that bag of 16 troll dolls I just purchased at Goodwill…

giggle @F51
giggle @F51

We deserve it.

Hot Flash Friday-The Menopause Zombie

(This is an updated version of this post from last summer-one of my most popular…scary, huh?)

On my bucket list is to be a zombie extra on The Walking Dead.  Seriously. They film it here in the south Atlanta area and I wanna get my head chopped off by Michonne or speared by Darryl.  When you wish upon a star……

AMC had a Walking Dead marathon last week-in preparation for it’s season 3 finale last Sunday night.. I watched the whole thing including the Talking Dead special. I am obsessed with this show.

And that is really head injured considering I am not in their target demographics and I hate :

-Scary Movies
-Blood, guts, guns, spurting brains and internal organs, bulging eyes
-Depressing plot lines
-Apocalyptic plot lines
-Moaning and screaming unless it’s porn
-Bows, arrows, buildings on fire, blowing up stuff
-Bugs and decapitation–unless you decapitate the bug, then I’m okay with that……..

And this show has all of the above and more, and is on cable, and as I said, I cannot get enough of it.

I started watching Walking Dead because a good friend of mine’s daughter played Sophia, the darling little girl who, in the second season, got chased into the woods by zombies, hid for a while, then walked off. I wanted to check her out and this series because I was hearing so much about it. She is an awesome little actress. When she disappeared, I messaged her dad about it and asked where she was and his comeback was ‘well, today she is in school.’

Haha very funny.

So, watching that story arc and finding out what happen became an important part of my Sunday evenings.

And I also figured out that zombies and women in menopause are remarkably alike…..

-They stagger around looking for something to eat constantly
-They act like they are in a daze full-time
-They do not care what they look like
-They moan quite a bit
-Their hair would scare any mother
-When they get pissed, holy shit, watch out! Well, they are always pissed…
-Their clothes are horrendous and do not seem to fit properly. Seriously, when I become one I better have on my Miss Me jeans and my Tory Burch flats…
-They walk around like they are in one constant hot flash
-They eat their children
-They eat their husbands

See, told you I was hungry….

The Young and the Zombieless, All My Zombies, The Bold and The Zombies — all rolled into one show–SQUEEEEE!

Therefore, the real problem out there in WD land is really that menopause has gone viral.

Could happen. . .

I’m Not Aging, I’m Marinating

Did you know that if you lie down flat on the bed or floor, that is what your face could look like after a  facelift?
Wow-neither did I, until I tried it.CartoonOld05

And let this forever be known-I am going to take aging laying down on a nice chaise on my screened in porch with a glass of sweet tea and Wild Turkey Bourbon-every single day of it!

As part of a blog hop on Generation Fabulous our writing assignment was Aging Gracefully.

I’m not sure I know what that means because I AM NOT AGING.

I’m marinating.

In my wee little ADD addled brain I am still a 22-year-old hot thang with perky boobs and a flat stomach.  Which is why I avoid mirrors.  That is how I choose to live.

Don’t judge.

Lots of people live in another reality. My reality is designed to protect me from all the horrors of life, like running on treadmills and eating celery at parties. You know that treadmills can kill. So can improperly washed celery.

Now, you must think I am bat shit crazy.

I am.

And I’ll tell you why.

I hate dieting. I hate exercise. I really hate sweating. Southern women don’t sweat. We get the vapors.

The only running I do is to the bathroom. I hate putting on makeup. I hate coloring my hair. I hate SITTING to have the highlights applied. I hate dressing rooms. I hate retail salespeople that lie to me. Which is often. I sell real estate, if I lied that much I would have been in the lockup for oh, about 10 years now.

I hate skimpy underwear. I hate thong underwear. The only time I wear decent underwear is when I leave the house. Because, you know what Mom says: “What if you get in an accident?????

And don’t even get me started about bras or trying on Miracle Suits. . .

4693-Playtex-Bra
18 Hours of pleasure….

My former passion was riding horses. That was, until I came off my horse at one horse show quite ungracefully and left the HUGEST ass print EVER at the far end of the ring.

I do play tennis. In fact yesterday, in wind, flurries and 30 degree weather my girlfriend and I put a serious ass whooping on two younger skinny chicks. Both of which had, I found out later, those 13.1 stickers on the back of their cars. Half marathon 7-5, 6-3 THIS,  BITCHES!

And nary a sweat bead anywhere. Dressed like the Michelin Man.

I am counting on good genetics. My grandmother lived to the ripe age of 93. She never exercised. She worked at various jobs until she was in her early 90’s. She drank vodka martini’s until about a month before she died.  She ate what ever she wanted as long as it was not from a can, or from a box in the freezer. She made sure she went on a trip to Manhattan every year with her daughters and friends. She had a Micheal Jackson poster in her extra bedroom. She was obsessed with The Young and the Restless. She hated hanging around ‘old’ people. She lived in her own home until she was 90.

Sign me up.

So I am marinating in 1 cup crazy, one half cup delusion, and a couple of tablespoons of Xanax for now.

Oh, don’t get your proverbial thongs in a wad. That will be me lurking in the back row at the local Weight Watchers meeting next week. And using my Groupon for Botox…

Enjoy our Blog Hop Below!

 

 

 

Hot Flash Fridays – It’s Meno-STOP, seriously. . .

Why do they call it MenoPAUSE??????

Ain’t nothing taking a break when this happens. It’s not like it comes back in 3 years after a mental health trip to India and begins again….

http://i1.wp.com/i74.photobucket.com/albums/i249/clouda9/Squidoo/Menopause%20Series/meopause.jpg?w=750

From my experience, this is what is happening to me:

  • My periods decided to Stop
  • My brain decided to Stop making rational decisions
  • My joints began to Stop working
  • The sweating will not Stop
  • The Kegels have Stopped working as efficiently
  • The waistline will not Stop growing
  • Mood swings will not Stop
  • Libido has Stopped (I think it’s in India too, or maybe South Beach)
  • Sleeping through the night has Stopped
  • My vagina has gone on strike – okay, Stopped
  • When I watch a great movie, the tears will not Stop
  • I can’t Stop using lotions – when they see me coming at Target the stock price soars
  • Too much caffeine and the heart palpitations will not Stop
  • My teenager will not Stop driving me crazy – Never before have I felt a Lizzie Borden moment coming on more than when she does something to piss me off – even little things like NOT FLUSHING THE TOILET will send me over the edge
  • The Hubs (BC) will not Stop trying to make me drink those green smoothies..I think he secretly is  putting anti-freeze in them to try to kill me.
  • I can’t Stop refilling the Xanax…

Like, when do they STOP?

They certainly aren’t on PAUSE…..

 

Have a great weekend!

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Hot Flash Friday – Florida Edition

In the past couple of months, there have been two great white shark sightings here in North Florida that have shaken up the locals, especially the surfers. They are somewhat large adult females and have been named Lydia and Mary Lee.

And there is the COOLEST site ever where you can track these gals and their travels in the Atlantic called Ocearch.com. Currently Mary Lee, all 3500 lbs of her, is on the way from Bermuda to the Turks and Cacos. A Bitch knows where to go in the cold weather, just sayin….

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Like both Mary Lee and Lydia, this Hot Flash girl is in Florida for the weekend and I’ve found that since EVERYONE sweats down here, no one notices if you have a hot flash.

No good looking young man in a wet suit has chummed for me and then threw me on a boat deck and weighed me, or tagged me with a radio device to track my movements. Unless you count my gyno who wrote me a scrip for Prozac and an order for a mammogram.

These hot young scientists keep looking for the sharks, and not for me. Sniff.

Just get me a PainKiller made with Captain Morgan’s and roll me back in to the ocean. I’ll be fine….

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Photo by Me – at Singletons Seafood Shack, Mayport, FL

Hot Flash Friday – Gravity Sucks

Reduce the Flesh :  wedding oahu undergarments Variety

Bless her heart. If she had just worn two pairs of Spanx with that dress, her butt would not have  knocked over the wedding cake….

I really HOPE that will not be the comment at a wedding I’m attending next weekend.  Oh, the horrors of dressing for an event where the  WHOLE FAM DAMILY is going to be. You know us Southerners are the master of the side comment, looking the other way while making a comment about a cousin, sister, or friend who looks like they just got voted off Biggest Loser for sneaking a Cinnabon in the recent challenge.

Which is why we wear Foundation Garments.

And which is why they should bring back the damn girdle, or even better, the corset.

You see, in the 1900’s, they would just lace you up in that dress (cue scene from Gone With The Wind where they are getting ready for a party), pull really really tight, and voila!

What’s so bad about that?

Nowadays they are called bodywear, shapewear, Spanx, Assets, etc. Let’s just call them what they really are: Torture Chambers!

Have you ever had to really really really go to the bathroom whilst wearing 2 pairs of Spanx? Did you also know that some Spanx come with an easy access pee hole in them for this specific situation?

I did NOT, thank you. . .

In my 20’s, I enjoyed those cute t-shit bras that hooked in the front. No support. I mean, who needs that in your 20’S? In my 30’s, same thing but with padding so as not to have high beams staring at your boss in a meeting. Post baby-late 30’s-I ventured in to underwire. This alone was so uncomfortable and made me understand what those 18 hour days in a bra where all about. In my 40’s gravity was taking hold and as most of my peers where getting implants and lifts, I was desperately seeking comfort, and a cheap solution. And sleeping in a sports bra.

Yay, uniboob!

Recently I was in Victoria’s Secret with my teen and I looked around for a 40 ABCDEFG. And when you are at your mid life point, this isn’t a bra size to be really excited about.

Um, not happening in there. Then the gal offered to measure me. 38C. Right….so I tried on one of their less push me up models and I found that the only thing this bra was for was to help my boobs hold a glass of wine at the nearest party.

Not all salespeople are liars. But that last time I saw a number like that Clinton was still in office. . .

Ye Olde Spanx for Rich Men

Now in my 50’s, not only am I longingly looking at the 18 hour solution, I am also pairing that with the belly band underwear, Spanx, or some other slim wear that is on sale at Kohl’s.

So even though I have lost some of my baby fat ( she IS 17 after all) things are still a little loose. And low. Apple bottom low.

I will be hunting for an 18 hour solution, a corset, and a hands-free wine holder that is not a personal body part. . .

Gravity sucks.