Toto, We’re NOT In Nordstrom Anymore…

Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.

I bought a pair of orthotic shoes last week.

It was a sad touchstone in my life. I have been a shoe freak since my first pair of brown and white saddle shoes, all the way to the latest adorable Tory Burch flats. Shoes don’t judge. You can be a size 8 or a size 16 and wear a fabulous pair of shoes and feel like a million bucks.

I had to break down and find some. With my recent jogging journey, coupled with my little tennis fantasy and the age of my high arched feet, I developed plantar fasciitis.

First, I thought it was just some temporary heel pain. But it went on for a couple of months. Then, in working at my little antique store one day in flip-flops ( a big no, no) I felt crippled in that foot and went straight to WebMD.

Bingo-Plantar Faciitis. The best part of the description was that it happens to athletic people. If you call running two minutes and walking one minute athletic, I’ll take it.

According to WebMD:
Plantar fasciitis (say “PLAN-ter fash-ee-EYE-tus”) is the most common cause of heel pain. The plantar fascia is the flat band of tissue (ligament) that connects your heel bone to your toes. It supports the arch of your foot. If you strain your plantar fascia, it gets weak, swollen, and irritated (inflamed). Then your heel or the bottom of your foot hurts when you stand or walk.

Plantar fasciitis is common in middle-aged people. It also occurs in younger people who are on their feet a lot, like athletes or soldiers. It can happen in one foot or both feet.

Plantar fasciitis is caused by straining the ligament that supports your arch. Repeated strain can cause tiny tears in the ligament. These can lead to pain and swelling. This is more likely to happen if:

Your feet roll inward too much when you walk (excessive pronation camera.gif).
You have high arches or flat feet.
You walk, stand, or run for long periods of time, especially on hard surfaces.
You are overweight.
You wear shoes that don’t fit well or are worn out.
You have tight Achilles tendons or calf muscles.

Most people with plantar fasciitis have pain when they take their first steps after they get out of bed or sit for a long time. You may have less stiffness and pain after you take a few steps. But your foot may hurt more as the day goes on. It may hurt the most when you climb stairs or after you stand for a long time

So off to the orthotic shoe store I went.

I mean seriously, these places need a HUGE makeover. I had to sign in and wait my turn behind an elderly gal getting those sexy black tennis shoes with the laces, and a 100-year-old cadaver couple arguing over which compression sock is the best. Toto, we’re not in Nordstrom anymore…

The selection was mediocre and the store gave me Buster Brown flashbacks from my youth. The saleslady was extremely helpful and I found a fairly cute pair of Vionic sandals that are so comfy on my feet. They aren’t Manolos but they will suffice.

Then I went on Zappos. The mother of all shoe sites. And there ARE cute orthotic shoes, THERE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still refuse to give up my Tory’s or my Jack Rogers. In the future, when I wear those, Advil better be close by.

And an orthotic insert from Walmart…



Empty Nest? I Wish…

Every year, I have a blue bird couple that takes up residence in the blue bird box on my screened porch. And every year, I watch as Daddy blue bird stands watch over the household and Mom blue bird works tirelessly building her nest, incubating her eggs, feeding her chicks and then coaxing them out of their home for bigger and better adventures beyond our back yard.

And when those babies fledge, which I have had the opportunity to watch twice, Mom and Dad will perch on the opposite side of the box, usually on my trellis and squawk and squawk at each kid until they finally take that leap and fly out of the nest. Sometimes they stumble, fly in to my potted plants, get confused, look scared, but after a few moments, they gain confidence and fly off.

For the next month Mom and Dad teach them the ways of the world and off they go to find fame and fortune and not get eaten by the neighborhood cats.

This is the way it is supposed to happen.

But many of us still have a 18 plus year old at home. Either they are not going the college route, going to a local community or tech college, working full-time, burned out from high school or generally dealing with having a hard time leaving the comforts of their home.

So this Momma blue bird squawked and squawked and this baby is STILL HERE…

I’ve read all of these heart-felt posts about having an empty nest. Dealing with the reality of having their kids go on to new and bigger things. Exceptionally sad yet happy for the new phase in their child’s life. You people are LUCKY. Geesh.

I love my daughter with all of my heart and have enjoyed (mostly) every single minute of her growing up years with her Dad and I. But Girlfriend, it’s time.

Time to for her to find herself. Time for her to find out about the REAL world. Time for her to fend for herself. Time for her to ENJOY herself without her helicopter mother frantically texting her every 30 minutes she’s out on a weekend night. Time to make mistakes. Time to fall really in love. Time to make new friends.

And I know that she is on a different time schedule and going off to school may not be her thing. That’s cool. But it’s time.

And what Mom, in her right mind, would miss THIS???

There are many of us out there that are just waiting for the moment that the kids fly the coop and we are counting down the minutes. You just don’t hear about us. We were the moms who didn’t cry at the bus stop the first day of kindergarten. We were the moms high-fiving each other and pouring Bloody Marys on the first day of school.We were the moms that DREADED summer vacation (mostly in the teen years)We were the moms who thought 5th grade graduation ceremonies were ridiculous (it is after all, something that a kid SHOULD do, you know, go on to 6th grade???)We were the moms that sat, at 4 am, in line at the school to get their teen a parking space so we didn’t have to drive them to school. We DID cry at your high school graduation. Yes, a bittersweet 12 years has gone by.

But the next day we were at Target buying bedding and furniture for your new dorm room or apartment. 2 months ahead of schedule.

For all of you out there saddened by your upcoming empty nest, I feel for ya. I know, I know, end of childhood, end of being a hands on mom, facing aging, yada yada yada. Boo freekin hoo. Take a hint from Momma blue bird, she got those chicks out of the house in 4 weeks. She’s our hero.

So to all my girlfriends facing the empty nest with dread in a few months, it’s time. Come on over, I’ll have the box wine. The chips and dip. It’s time-to celebrate. It’s finally OUR time. The best is yet to come.


Looking For A Miracle in Costco


Once in a while you can never pass up an opportunity to laugh at
with your mother.
Yesterday Mom and Dad went for their weekly scouting mission at Costco to stock up on cheap wine and lots of beef. Yes, they are in their late 70,s and still eat red meat and are healthier than ever.

Mom, being the fun young energetic silver sneaker chicklet that she is, happened upon the Miracle Suit at Costco. For a mere $39.95 this too can be the bathing suit of your dreams, they are typically over $100 each. So, sucked down the rabbit hole of eternal hope she took one home. With high expectaions she started pulling it on. And pulling, and pulling. With my Dad in the background making hilarious comments as this ensued. It is, after all, one of the reasons they’ve been married 50 plus years…

After 15 minutes of pulling, she gave up after only getting it past her calves and Dad threatening to call the fire department to cut her out of it. The miracle dashed, she was in tears, of laughter. After all, if mom told us that she broke her hip getting in to a bathing suit, it wouldn’t result in much empathy from us. I understand her pain. I bought one too. It’s still on the form in my closet and I think I’m gonna need one of those sweat wraps to get in to it. Miracle Suit = oxymoron.


That Solange can seriously open a can of whoop ass. This is one time I wished I worked security for a hotel. Six figures for the video. So I lose my job. Who cares, I’d be happily unemployed on a beach in St Tropez.

I don’t think I’ve EVER been that angry at one of my in laws. And yes, all families have issues and problems but I don’t hink I have ever gone all WWE on anyone in my family. There have been some times with the teenagers. Just goes to show that all the money in the music world can’t keep you from losing it in an elevator.

Baba Wawa retires from The View

Bummer. All I want to know is who does her face. I need that number. She’s like in her EIGHTIES.

Hillary Clinton on Walking Dead! Coming This Fall

According to Karl Rove, Hillary is making a guest appearance on TWD this fall. Surprise guest appearance. As Darryl’s Ivy League alcoholic redneck mom in flashbacks. Pant suits will never be the same. And that crazy Karl has been reported missing from the psych ward again…

Some of my favorite stories this week come from Lori Wescott of Loripalooza and Leslie Marinelli in LifeTime Moms. I think Lori and I live in the same hood, and prom-posals are getting ridiculous. What happened to the days when you were a teen girl waiting on THAT phone call from McDreamy that never came? We didn’t even have caller ID so at least we could have let that call from dork bait go to voice mail. So the guy who makes your skin crawl in biology shows up at your home with the marching band, Justin Timberlake and a truckload of roses and you say no?

The 24 hour date that lasts 23 hours and 55 minutes too long.

I’ll get back on the wagon with this blog-and I have started another one for my vintage linen and junk business called The Happy Flea so you can find me over there too!

10 Things To Not Do Yourself

It really makes me crazy when I am either shopping with someone or I am manning my booth at the antique market and someone says, “Oh, I can make that MYSELF!”

Yeah sugar, you just go ahead and try that whydontcha. . .

And BC can also be the WORST about saying this, especially when it comes to the yard.

A girl can dream…

In my wildest of dreams I have a pool boy, a landscaper, a gardener and a yard man. A whole slew of he-men trimming and making my Barbie Dream House Garden come true. In my hood, most people have yard services and for the first 16 years we lived here we consistently violated the covenants by doing our own yard. And BC grew up in a household where his weekly duty was cutting their 1 acre yard thick with St Augustine grass that he had to use the push mower on for years.

It gives him major acid flashbacks. So when he did ours, he always came in with the ‘itches’.

I’m allergic to this, I’m allergic to that. When I cut that bush down I broke out in hives. Wahhh Wahhh Wahhh.

Never mind the fact that he just had to have that $1500 mower to make our grass perfect. Oh, and that makes him cough and sneeze constantly too.

So about a year ago, I convinced him to give it up and hire a yard service.

Saved the marriage. And got the HOA off our pine straw-less backs.

So for all of you who have friends, or family members that always say, “I can do that cheaper myself,” I give you

10 Things To NOT Do Yourself:

1. Heart Transplant
2. Cremation
3. Root Canal
4. Septic Tank Cleaning
5. Defend Yourself in Court
6. Breast Augmentation
7. Asbestos Removal
8. Hair Plugs
9. Build Your Own Swimming Pool (I swear he ALMOST tried this)
10. Lasix Eye Surgery

Cremation Update - 375
You’re a hot piece of ash…

I love my yard guys, even if they are portly and muddy. Cheaper than marriage counseling.

Never Trust a Fart – and 21 Things You Need to Know at Midlife

  1. Get a bra fitting – be amazed and fascinated at what your true size is! Believe me, I thought I was in the 34’s until recently. Denial is a river in Egypt.playtex

2. Get a brow job and makeoverSephora is your new best friend. Or the Mac counter if you can take the music and the transgenders doing your lipstick. A gal at Sephora got ahold of me last week. I asked the innocent question-What is your BEST brow pencil? And I got a wonderful tutorial and an instant face lift. Do it, it’s worth it!

3. QUIT with the high school hair-all I’m gonna say is if you still have the SAME hairdo as you did in your senior picture in 1978, get thee to a salon now! Farrah is (literally) dead. So is Annette Funicello – let’s get into 2014 and try something current.

RIP Farrah...oh and the sweater
RIP Farrah…oh and the sweater

4. Get a mammogram, colonoscopy, pap smear, stress test. It’s time. I don’t care if you just ran a half marathon or did hot yoga with the hot dude from town. Do it. Besides, a colonoscopy is a good 5 lbs gone and instant detox!

5. Moisturize-everything. Every day. Use the GOOD stuff, not the cheap Walmart stuff on your face at nite. Wear Sunscreen on your face. Let me tell you, I had a friend get a total facelift a couple of year ago, she looked like ET for a month, then a battered wife for the next and it still took a year for most of the scarring to heal and that surprised look to go away. I ain’t got that kinda time.
6. Exfoliate-this is the new mantra today-especially if you are hitting midlife. And let me tell you, you will be surprised at how well this works. I’ve been using Rodan and Fields exfoliate and AMP system and it has worked miracles. And no, I am not a rep. Also your body too-my calfs look like they belong in Gator World so I got that coconut palm oil sprayer thingie and do that in the shower. Works like a charm.

This stuff is the BEST
This stuff is the BEST

7. Pedicures-there is nothing worse than skanky toes in sandals. Please get a pedicure.

8. Carbs are not your friends-or rather, simple carbs are evil. Especially to me. And my teenager just got a job at a bagel place FTW. If its white, sugary and starchy you will end up with a muffin-which is what they are made of.


9. Travel--go go go. Get a passport if you don’t have one. If anything you’ll feel kinda worldly. Take a girls trip. How cathartic are those??? I’m sorry but there is nothing better than sitting around a beach or mountain condo with your closest girlfriends drinking wine, laughing and telling stories. It’s that “Ok, so I’m not so crazy after all moment” that we all need once in a while

10. Keep toilet paper in your car at all times-trust me on this one…you just never know

11. Keep a journal

12. Get a decent camera-don’t rely on your smartphone to hold all your precious memories and porno shots. One drop in a toilet, or fall to a tile floor and all that could be gone, then you have to go to the phone store and have some basement nerd restore your pics. Woo hoo.  Back that baby up once a week at best. Get a nice digital camera-they now have wireless ones that you CAN post to Facebook, etc and still have that shot on a card you can download to your computer.

13. Try caviar – time to get adventurous with your food. Ok, I hate caviar but I love nigiri sushi-the really raw slab of fish (tuna especially) on hunk of rice. I also have found that quinoa, rice noodles, peppers and fried gator tail are pretty damn good. If you’ve made it this far without a major food issue, go for it. Still not sure about the chocolate crickets though.

14. Drink a Scotch – no carbs, no sugar and low cal. Also makes you more sophisticated, well maybe. Shots are so Carlos and Charlie’s in Cancun on a cheap cruise. Or Fireball Whiskey-oooh weeeeeeee

NOT a good idea...
NOT a good idea…

15. Get a car with heated seats-I will NEVER NEVER have a car again without heated seats. I don’t care how much the addition is, this one option is worth every penny. Especially if you are over 50

16. Fiber Fiber Fiber

17. Get a crock pot – you are busy and having a good time-makes cooking so easy

18. Buy anything with the word Astro in it – good advice from a wise sage in my family. I’ll leave it at that…
19.  Never trust a fart – especially during exercise. At this phase I have learned that if I am going to run, or downward dog, lactose is advised after exercising

20. Do exercise that you LIKE – so that means if you like to do the naked dance while doing laundry, its exercise in my book so go ahead with your bad self and pop a move-just make sure not to pop a hip.
And last but certainly not least (for this list anyway):

21. A Great Shoe and a Great Handbag don’t Judge…. You can be a size 14 or a size 6 and they will always be there for you to perk up your day. Don’t skimp and don’t wear Clarke’s on a date…

Oh HELL to The NO
Oh HELL to The NO

So, lucky for us, mom jeans are making a comeback, and MiracleSuits are on sale at Costco. Good luck my girlfriends-the ride is better HERE than anywhere!


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Hot Flash Friday – Whew, I Need to Retire to my Chaise, I have the Vapors….

Well press my watch and slap your momma, what a week!


Seem like lots of you enjoyed my Scarlett-infused post about our little ice storm this week in Atlanta. I am here to say that even in 2014, there are still some peeps out there that get high blood pressure when we try to defend our area here, even if it is a major international city (yes, we even have an Ecuadorean restaurant that serves up braised Guinea Pig). Oh well, and remember people, 150 years ago we LOST…..

Typically I try to do a week wrap on this here site. When I can-because, you know, I am sooo busy…..So here goes:

There was an article on the Huffington Post about how wearing torture devices like Spanx are not good for your internal organs. Well, DUH--I could have told you that. Last time I did I tried to eat a Hardee’s double heart attack burger and I damn near died. I’ll NEVER wear something like that, unless, of course, I’m on the red carpet…


The Grammys were fun to watch. Even if I didn’t know most of the people in the categories except for Rock. You know you are getting older when you enjoy classical rock piano with Metallica. Steven Tyler really needs to do something about that hair (now I’m sounding like my mother), and if Taylor Swift finds the love of her life, gets married, and starts a family her career is OVER.

Justin Bieber needs a spanking.

And Miley and Madonna – oh honey (Madge), I get it-you are trying to stay relevant-we ALL are at 50 plus, but you are trying WAAAAYYYYY too hard. We are here trying to RAISE our teens, not BE one.

@Huffington Post
@Huffington Post

I have a close girlfriend that is recovering from a major surgical procedure to erase her stomach cancer. So I spent time in the ER with her this week while she was getting some fluids(she’s fine, just dehydrated). Anyhoo, it’s a teaching hospital and we were hoping for hot interns like the last time, but on a Sunday, not so lucky. Boo Hoo. She has taught me more about faith than any church has. Will be writing about that later.

I am an estate sale and thrifting addict and spent some time estate sale hunting this weekend. I found some great stuff. However, at one sale I did pass up on some partially used laxative bottles. Wow-I am amazed at what these people put a price tag on.

Super Bowl is this Sunday. The only reason I like it is for the commercials and the food. Here is my go-to recipe man pleasing Sausage Dip that will make you famous at this party-you need 1 can Rotel Diced Tomatos (I use original), 2 blocks of cream cheese (softened makes it easier) and one thingie of Jimmy Dean Sausage (I use spicy and sometimes I sneak in the turkey sausage (evil laugh). Brown the sausage in a skillet till done, drain, then add the cream cheese and the Rotel and stir until all blended. Serve in a bowl (I use a small crock pot to keep it warm) with Fritos Scoops. It. Is. Fabulous! Caution-this recipe is neither Spanx or waistline friendly. But who cares, it’s super good.

If you get a chance – check out these related articles about the snow/ice storm in our area, and take a peek at SnowedOutAtlanta on Facebook. This site has done more amazing acts of kindness in 48 hours than we can ever do in a year of paying for someone’s coffee behind us in Starbucks.

Welcome to all my new friends! You can also sign up there on the right hand side to get me in your email in box. All emails are confidential and I do not spam (don’t know how to if I tried, haha) and like my page over there on the Facebook!

Cheesus is the Reason for the Season…

It’s Christmas time and my gall bladder hates me.


Every party and get together from Thanksgiving on involves some kind of cheese serving. Dip, slices, chunks with grapes (the only reason you eat the grapes is to justify a fruit serving and alleviate the guilt), cheese in casseroles, cheese samples at Costco, CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE!

It’s the MOST wonderful time of the year!

And how I love cheese. Last month I went to visit my sister, who lives in Germany, and her husband, a cheese aficionado (Eeff it does not schtink, it eez not gut!) forced me to eat some kind of cheese every day (yeah, right). When I came home I had this suspicious pain in my right side that miraculously disappeared after I stayed off the fromage for about a week.

Cheese Detox. I do not recommend it. I had the DT’s and imagined small mice crawling around my feet for days.

But what amazes me is when and where did someone come up with the idea of pouring a jar of jelly over a hunk of cream cheese and serving it at a party? And pepper jelly at that? Who thought of mixing hot pepper, gelatin, sugar and water in a pan, boiling it and then dumping it on cream cheese?

Presentation is everything....
Presentation is everything….

It’s the closest think to dog hurl on a plate, and yet it is soooo yummy.

Am I right?

Cheese is not pretty. You have to fluff up a plate of cheese to take to a party or it just looks like chunks of orange and yellow stuff slapped out there with Wheat Thins.

Don't break your neck here..
Don’t break your neck here..

And how about cheese balls? My absolute favorite and one of the UGLIEST presentations out there is the Mango Chutney Curried Cheese Ball:

We have a winner! Photo
We have a winner! Photo

So, along with your ugly Christmas sweater, you HAVE to bring an ugly cheese dish.

PEOPLE, blue cheese has MOLD in it! And we eat it? Who thought of THAT?

Oh, I know, some mom, desperately hungry with a bottle of old wine went in her fridge one day, say that hunk of cheese with the blue stuff on it and decided it looked tasty. Uh, huh…..

There’s even award-winning blue cheese weed (frankly worth a try…):



You smoke it, then you want a glass of red with an entire box of Wheat Thins. Brilliant!

Make it pretty if you can-there are lots of overachieving cheese plates on Pinterest, trust me.

So let’s get out there and eat us some cheese this holiday season – even if it does look like vomit.

Or we can smoke it…


I love sharing! And hit me up on Facebook so I won’t be so insecure.


Boo Frickem’ Hoo Oprah…

Beware – rant coming…

Oprah, girlfriend, I am SO OVER this nonsense about this pursegate issue in Switzerland. Has there ever been a more important topic to talk about this week than the fact that some Swiss snob in a pricey boutique wouldn’t show you a $38,000 bag?


How many of us minions really care that she treated you this way?

Because I think the REAL story is not because of your race, what we probably do not know is it was because you most likely went in there not all dolled up in war paint with your ‘Oprah Face’ on and looked like something your cocker spaniel just dropped on your back porch. My guess is that you went in there looking like most of us normal people and she didn’t recognize you.

Admit it sister-we all know what we look like without makeup and frankly at our age it’s not really pretty.

I mean, where on this planet, especially here and in Europe, would somebody (unless they lived in a cave) not recognize the mogul that is Oprah Winfrey?

Have you seen yourself without makeup lately?


I mean, would you show a handbag that cost more than a Hyundai to this woman?

Or Her?


Or Her?


Or Her?


Or Me?


Look, I know how you feel. Sniff Sniff. I have been given the ‘side eye’ at Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Saks, Neiman Marcus, I could go on and on. I once was taking an Italian friend in to the Valentino boutique in Manhattan years ago and the doorman, yes the freeking DOORMAN, told us that we probably should not go in because we probably could not afford the merchandise in the store.

I kid you not.

I sympathize.

So let’s tell the world what really happened. You weren’t wearing your tv face and got busted.

Happens to all of us honey.

Next time just be honest.

We will respect you a whole lot more in the end.

The Weekend I Was Popular

I lead a pretty quiet life by choice.

I had a good 5 years after college where I did the single thing in a big city which I will never write a memoir about because I want to stay in the will. But for some reason all the stars aligned and I actually had fun each nite of this past weekend.

And didn’t go to jail.

First, I went to the most kick-ass party  Friday night!


It was my first real one. Most of the time I just lurk. Oh, I do join in on the Bachelorette/Bachelor snarkfest on Mondays, but so do about a million other people.

Because I didn’t go the holy grail of blogging conferences this past weekend, BlogHer 2013, a group of us decided to have our own party on Twitter and it was called HomeCon ’13. Brought to us by the creative and hilarious Jenn at Jenn Something Clever 2.0 and Sarah at the Sadder But Wiser Girl, it was decided to meet, greet, and drink. That way you weren’t drinking alone.

And we were trending number one for a while. We blew up Twitter talking about where we lived, why we didn’t go, we outed closeted M&M and wine drinkers (me included) and tried to figure out a Thelma and Louise road trip to Florida.


Oh, and how we are going to go big time with gold flaked edible personal lubricant. And become millionaires. Uh huh…

What is so great about a Twitter party, you ask?

You can wear anything you want. Or nothing, your choice. You don’t have to put on makeup, you don’t have to bring a side dish, you don’t have to worry about drinking and driving, you don’t have to listen to some vapid woman going on and on about her talented children, and if you don’t like it you can leave early. No one will notice. It’s the Perfect Storm of parties!

I am finding Twitter more and more fun. And I have met some great people on there. There are also some really creepy folks on there too. I got followed early on by some girl named Amanda. So I go and look at her profile and look at her pic to see what she looks like.  On my phone it was too small to see. Later at home I looked her up again. The photo wasn’t her face. So I enlarged the picture, and then turned my phone in various positions to determine what this picture was. Then I enlarged it.

Obviously she was very poor because she couldn’t afford underwear….

Thank god for the block option.

Yep, one of my free passes!
Yep, one of my free passes!

Then Saturday night my local peeps went to see Keith Urban in concert. All I can say is I would have is baby too. Like I could go all Michelle Duggar on his bootay.

The only problem with the evening was the fact that at $14 bucks for a vodka drink in a plastic cup, I couldn’t continue the prickly pear margarita buzz I achieved earlier in the evening. Beer was 10 bucks. Draft.

Did I ever think that one day, I would be  at a concert stone cold sober complaining about the lines to the restroom and the price of booze? O.L.D. F.A.R.T.

Prickly pear - prickly head in the am...
Prickly pear – prickly head in the am…

There were many fanatics there dressed all up in their cowgirl-gone-stripper get-ups.

I think there is a mirror shortage in our area.

Sunday night 17 and I went to visit my sister from another mister and her girls in a local college town nearby. Sister’s oldest is going to be a senior in college. I was aghast at her daughter’s living conditions. Secure apartment, granite counter tops, private elevators, a gym on the 9th floor with views of the city. And two jacuzzi’s on the rooftop overlook. College must suck these days…

I wanna go baaaaaacccckkkk.. Whine, sniff.

You can bet your sweet badonk my girl will be in the same type of set up when she goes. There are some really creepy peeps out there.

So here it is Monday. The carriage has tuned back in to a pumpkin and I had to clean out the litter box and do laundry.

I’m going to take a nap.

And dream of Keith, margaritas, and some new psychotic BFF’s on Twitter.


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I’ll Have Some Metamucil With That Melanoma

@Alan Light FLickr Creative Commons
@Alan Light FLickr Creative Commons


It’s been a rough couple of weeks of personal maintenance. Met the deductible on insurance so I start making all the appointments.

Like they say, aging is not for sissies.

Skin cancer runs in my family so the minute I saw a funky spot on my hairline I made a bee line dermatologist appointment and got in the next day. It just kinda popped up and since I am an avid WebMD researcher-I have all the apps on all my devices-I had promptly diagnosed this particular spot as cancer. Bigger than a pencil eraser, smaller than a brain tumor…

I arrived at the office with thoughts of how in the hell is this guy gonna dig this out right up there in the middle of my hairline on my forehead without turning me into Cyclops? I was also hoping this could turn in to an insurance paid facelift.

Said doc saunters in, proceeds to look me over – ALL over – and taking in my pale white skin on my waist area-proclaims that I have absolutely wonderful skin for my age (yeah dude, it’s been 30 years since I’ve seen a bikini) and then diagnoses my funky mole thingie as an AGE SPOT. And look, here are some more!

Thanks a pant load.

Needless to say he zapped it off for me – for free- and gave me a referral for fillers for the lines around my mouth.

Next up, the dentist.

Ermagherd - Derntures!
Ermagherd – Derntures!

In my lifetime, I have probably financed many a dentist’s BMW with the amount of work I have had done in my mouth. They take one look inside and start planning that next addition to their home.

I’ve had problems with a particular molar that has had successive root canals and decided to get it checked out. Oh yay, it needs to be removed. So in talking with my dentist about what to do, he brought up different financial options for the fix for the gap that will remain. And the following word came up:


Kill. Me. Now.

All this a month after I turn 53.

It’s enough not to get carded any more for alcohol. To get my official AARP card in the mail. To receive the magazine. To shop at clothing stores with single numbers as sizes and pants with elastic. To really really desire comfy shoes. To remember to take my blood pressure meds every day. To eat those fiber gummies after a meal.

But DENTURES??????????????????????????

Hell no. Slap a bridge on that baby and let’s just move away from that language.

He’s so not going to get a tip from me.

Coming soon, I’m going to get a mammogram and a pap smear.!

I know how to live.

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