Category

Womens Issues

Toto, We’re NOT In Nordstrom Anymore…

Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.

I bought a pair of orthotic shoes last week.

It was a sad touchstone in my life. I have been a shoe freak since my first pair of brown and white saddle shoes, all the way to the latest adorable Tory Burch flats. Shoes don’t judge. You can be a size 8 or a size 16 and wear a fabulous pair of shoes and feel like a million bucks.

I had to break down and find some. With my recent jogging journey, coupled with my little tennis fantasy and the age of my high arched feet, I developed plantar fasciitis.

First, I thought it was just some temporary heel pain. But it went on for a couple of months. Then, in working at my little antique store one day in flip-flops ( a big no, no) I felt crippled in that foot and went straight to WebMD.

Bingo-Plantar Faciitis. The best part of the description was that it happens to athletic people. If you call running two minutes and walking one minute athletic, I’ll take it.

According to WebMD:
Plantar fasciitis (say “PLAN-ter fash-ee-EYE-tus”) is the most common cause of heel pain. The plantar fascia is the flat band of tissue (ligament) that connects your heel bone to your toes. It supports the arch of your foot. If you strain your plantar fascia, it gets weak, swollen, and irritated (inflamed). Then your heel or the bottom of your foot hurts when you stand or walk.

Plantar fasciitis is common in middle-aged people. It also occurs in younger people who are on their feet a lot, like athletes or soldiers. It can happen in one foot or both feet.

Plantar fasciitis is caused by straining the ligament that supports your arch. Repeated strain can cause tiny tears in the ligament. These can lead to pain and swelling. This is more likely to happen if:

Your feet roll inward too much when you walk (excessive pronation camera.gif).
You have high arches or flat feet.
You walk, stand, or run for long periods of time, especially on hard surfaces.
You are overweight.
You wear shoes that don’t fit well or are worn out.
You have tight Achilles tendons or calf muscles.

Most people with plantar fasciitis have pain when they take their first steps after they get out of bed or sit for a long time. You may have less stiffness and pain after you take a few steps. But your foot may hurt more as the day goes on. It may hurt the most when you climb stairs or after you stand for a long time

So off to the orthotic shoe store I went.

I mean seriously, these places need a HUGE makeover. I had to sign in and wait my turn behind an elderly gal getting those sexy black tennis shoes with the laces, and a 100-year-old cadaver couple arguing over which compression sock is the best. Toto, we’re not in Nordstrom anymore…

The selection was mediocre and the store gave me Buster Brown flashbacks from my youth. The saleslady was extremely helpful and I found a fairly cute pair of Vionic sandals that are so comfy on my feet. They aren’t Manolos but they will suffice.

Then I went on Zappos. The mother of all shoe sites. And there ARE cute orthotic shoes, THERE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still refuse to give up my Tory’s or my Jack Rogers. In the future, when I wear those, Advil better be close by.

And an orthotic insert from Walmart…

 

 

Looking For A Miracle in Costco

20140517-111327.jpg

Once in a while you can never pass up an opportunity to laugh at
with your mother.
Yesterday Mom and Dad went for their weekly scouting mission at Costco to stock up on cheap wine and lots of beef. Yes, they are in their late 70,s and still eat red meat and are healthier than ever.

Mom, being the fun young energetic silver sneaker chicklet that she is, happened upon the Miracle Suit at Costco. For a mere $39.95 this too can be the bathing suit of your dreams, they are typically over $100 each. So, sucked down the rabbit hole of eternal hope she took one home. With high expectaions she started pulling it on. And pulling, and pulling. With my Dad in the background making hilarious comments as this ensued. It is, after all, one of the reasons they’ve been married 50 plus years…

After 15 minutes of pulling, she gave up after only getting it past her calves and Dad threatening to call the fire department to cut her out of it. The miracle dashed, she was in tears, of laughter. After all, if mom told us that she broke her hip getting in to a bathing suit, it wouldn’t result in much empathy from us. I understand her pain. I bought one too. It’s still on the form in my closet and I think I’m gonna need one of those sweat wraps to get in to it. Miracle Suit = oxymoron.

BeyonceGate

That Solange can seriously open a can of whoop ass. This is one time I wished I worked security for a hotel. Six figures for the video. So I lose my job. Who cares, I’d be happily unemployed on a beach in St Tropez.

I don’t think I’ve EVER been that angry at one of my in laws. And yes, all families have issues and problems but I don’t hink I have ever gone all WWE on anyone in my family. There have been some times with the teenagers. Just goes to show that all the money in the music world can’t keep you from losing it in an elevator.

Baba Wawa retires from The View

Bummer. All I want to know is who does her face. I need that number. She’s like in her EIGHTIES.

Hillary Clinton on Walking Dead! Coming This Fall
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According to Karl Rove, Hillary is making a guest appearance on TWD this fall. Surprise guest appearance. As Darryl’s Ivy League alcoholic redneck mom in flashbacks. Pant suits will never be the same. And that crazy Karl has been reported missing from the psych ward again…

Some of my favorite stories this week come from Lori Wescott of Loripalooza and Leslie Marinelli in LifeTime Moms. I think Lori and I live in the same hood, and prom-posals are getting ridiculous. What happened to the days when you were a teen girl waiting on THAT phone call from McDreamy that never came? We didn’t even have caller ID so at least we could have let that call from dork bait go to voice mail. So the guy who makes your skin crawl in biology shows up at your home with the marching band, Justin Timberlake and a truckload of roses and you say no?

The 24 hour date that lasts 23 hours and 55 minutes too long.

I’ll get back on the wagon with this blog-and I have started another one for my vintage linen and junk business called The Happy Flea so you can find me over there too!

It’s Almost Mother’s Day, And The Award Goes To…

mother of the year award

We are overworked, overlooked and overtired 24/7 and yet we still do not get recognized for our efforts. In the acting, singing, hell, even the  business world, awards are given out like candy. Those people need to satisfy their insecurities with these awards. Feel better about themselves. Get bonuses, pay raises, magazine covers.

But what about US? The Mom’s out there???

There’s an award out there for us. One that we secretly win several times a month, even several times a day. It’s one we should be proud of, should wear as a badge of honor. Yet we mutter or YELL it at the top of our voices – to usually no one in the immediate area – then we go on with our day.

Yes, it’s the most sacred of all awards.

The Mother Of The Year Award.

Funny Family Ecard: When you get the 'Mother of the Year' award, then I'll listen.

I personally have won this award for my achievements in mothering from the day my daughter was pulled out of my nether region, and now to our almost empty nest.

There are many categories too.

The first award  I won  was in the delivery room.  It’s  The Psychotic New Mom in the throes of a semi medicated C-section Award:   After one hour of dry heaving in the recovery room, with my peaked husband by my side, the nurse wheels my squishy bundle of joy in and says—Now we gonna do the show – which was the beginner baby training class for new moms. I said, between gags – “Are you freeking kidding me? Bring her back later! I’m RECOVERING, dammit – isn’t what this room is for?”

I had directed them to give her a bottle at night-I was going to breast feed but that first night I felt I needed some peace after 36 hours of labor and giving over a pint of O positive blood to this fiasco –  About 2 am I hear the baby cart wheels clickety clacking in the hallway-I lay there thinking – NO, NO, NO—the nurse brings her in and says – This baby hungry! I rolled over and said, “It’s on the chart-give her a bottle-I’ll nurse in the morning”….Man, the room service in hospitals suck.

She was 24 hours old. I had to write my first acceptance speech…

Awesome  start.

The awards started coming as she grew.

The second one I won was the Most Likely To Freak Out Your Mother In Law in Church Award:

At her christening, her pacifier fell out on the floor during the service-standing there and not wanting a screaming infant, I bent over, picked it up, put it in my mouth to clean it, then promptly stuck it back in her mouth. I heard a gasp from the front pew and looked over to see an expression on my MIL’s face that I’ll never forget – I thought my germophobe MIL was going to pass out.

In that expression I knew that this already not good enough for my son daughter in law just proved her right.

The Real Reason I Gave Up My Perky Boobs Award

I breast-fed mainly because I was lazy and seriously, who wants to get up at 2 and 4am, drag yourself to the kitchen and prepare a bottle??? Shopping? No problem—I knew where every bathroom/ nursing station was in every mall within a 25 mile radius of my home. Dr. Spock also writes that a beer at night wont hurt your baby. I will confirm that by saying that it assists with sleep both hers and yours, but stay away from asparagus….just saying

There were other awards from infant to toddler – some minor – some major but I won them all:

The Car Nap Award

A ten minute ride home will turn in to an hour tour of local neighborhoods just to get that one hour of peace.

The Reason Our Parents Had Cocktails at 5 Award

The witching hour. Enough said.

The I Just Intend to keep Her Alive Thank You Award

Crawling? To go play in the dog water bowl? At least she’s happy.

I let her wear her Dumbo fleece Halloween outfit for an ENTIRE year. From one Halloween to the next. She  was 2. Then 3. I had to use a chip clip to hold the ears back while she ate dinner so they wouldn’t fall in her food.

dumbo1

The Sort of Honest Mom with No Backbone Award

Holiday fibbing worked well – Santa will only bring you three good things, the tooth fairy only gives out a dollar-the one that came by your friend’s house with a $20 robbed the bank and will go to jail, the Easter Bunny gets the chocolate eggs from the chocolate chickens, you get my drift.

She was so totally in love with her pacifier, I had 3 in her bed, extras in the car, in my purse, and in her stroller. When it was time to give them up (according to everyone else with an opinion…) I cut off the end. No problem, she still used it. Finally at four, she gave them up on her own–Don’t worry about the damn pacifier-it kept DFACS from my home and 2 grand and 2 years of braces in high school and she will have movie star teeth.

During the later elementary and middle school years she started seeing through my mom bullshit. It was going to be a bigger stretch to achieve stardom during awards season.  I did, however score a few minor ones:

The Best Supporting Mom at the Soccer Game in 20 degree weather sitting in the Car Award

The You Can’t Play Softball Because You Will Hate The Outfit Award which goes right along with The Award for You HAVE to Join The Catholic Girls Basketball Team Because it COULD Get You in to the Private School Award (she is 5’6 and now in public school so obviously I was wrong)

Best Make Up Artist : For the time I made her scary for Halloween at the age of 9. She slept in my room the next week.

The Best Costume Award when You Let Your 9th Grader Dress like a Trampy German Beer Girl at the Local Neighborhood Halloween Party ( it was cuter on the package than in person…).

Set Decoration: Remember how much time, love and energy we put in those nurseries? Wait until they become teens. Get out the Hazmat suit, you’ll need it. You figure, oh hell, if she wants her room purple then she can paint it herself. She was in 10th grade. She can put on eyeliner in the dark but couldn’t keep the purple paint off the seams of the walls.

The Stunt Woman Award:

I tend to drive with my knees when I am fishing for my cell, eating a quarter pounder, drinking a Caramel Macchiato that is oozing over the edges of the cup, you know, important things. My teenager looks at me and seriously asks, Are they going to teach ME how to drive with my knees in Drivers’ Ed??

Help. Me.

How many of you with teenagers have won the following award????

The If I Can Ever Get Them Out of the House and Become Self Sufficient BY 18 I’m Going to Disney World Award

By the time they are 18 if you are still alive, not on drugs, and not locked up in the psych ward at local hospital, then you’ve done your job.

That’s your award. We all win it at some time or another.

We’ve raised our kids as best as we could and now they have wings. Some of those wings may be a little crooked, but hers are still intact. That’s what is important.

And when we become grandparents we can smile, nod, and say – get ready for the red carpet darling, you are going to need an acceptance speech, and a drink….

This is a blog hop on Midlife Boulevard! Enjoy the other writers too!

 

 

 

Never Trust a Fart – and 21 Things You Need to Know at Midlife

  1. Get a bra fitting – be amazed and fascinated at what your true size is! Believe me, I thought I was in the 34’s until recently. Denial is a river in Egypt.playtex

2. Get a brow job and makeoverSephora is your new best friend. Or the Mac counter if you can take the music and the transgenders doing your lipstick. A gal at Sephora got ahold of me last week. I asked the innocent question-What is your BEST brow pencil? And I got a wonderful tutorial and an instant face lift. Do it, it’s worth it!

mebrows
3. QUIT with the high school hair-all I’m gonna say is if you still have the SAME hairdo as you did in your senior picture in 1978, get thee to a salon now! Farrah is (literally) dead. So is Annette Funicello – let’s get into 2014 and try something current.

RIP Farrah...oh and the sweater
RIP Farrah…oh and the sweater

4. Get a mammogram, colonoscopy, pap smear, stress test. It’s time. I don’t care if you just ran a half marathon or did hot yoga with the hot dude from town. Do it. Besides, a colonoscopy is a good 5 lbs gone and instant detox!

5. Moisturize-everything. Every day. Use the GOOD stuff, not the cheap Walmart stuff on your face at nite. Wear Sunscreen on your face. Let me tell you, I had a friend get a total facelift a couple of year ago, she looked like ET for a month, then a battered wife for the next and it still took a year for most of the scarring to heal and that surprised look to go away. I ain’t got that kinda time.
6. Exfoliate-this is the new mantra today-especially if you are hitting midlife. And let me tell you, you will be surprised at how well this works. I’ve been using Rodan and Fields exfoliate and AMP system and it has worked miracles. And no, I am not a rep. Also your body too-my calfs look like they belong in Gator World so I got that coconut palm oil sprayer thingie and do that in the shower. Works like a charm.

This stuff is the BEST
This stuff is the BEST

7. Pedicures-there is nothing worse than skanky toes in sandals. Please get a pedicure.

8. Carbs are not your friends-or rather, simple carbs are evil. Especially to me. And my teenager just got a job at a bagel place FTW. If its white, sugary and starchy you will end up with a muffin-which is what they are made of.

MuffinTop

9. Travel--go go go. Get a passport if you don’t have one. If anything you’ll feel kinda worldly. Take a girls trip. How cathartic are those??? I’m sorry but there is nothing better than sitting around a beach or mountain condo with your closest girlfriends drinking wine, laughing and telling stories. It’s that “Ok, so I’m not so crazy after all moment” that we all need once in a while

10. Keep toilet paper in your car at all times-trust me on this one…you just never know

11. Keep a journal

12. Get a decent camera-don’t rely on your smartphone to hold all your precious memories and porno shots. One drop in a toilet, or fall to a tile floor and all that could be gone, then you have to go to the phone store and have some basement nerd restore your pics. Woo hoo.  Back that baby up once a week at best. Get a nice digital camera-they now have wireless ones that you CAN post to Facebook, etc and still have that shot on a card you can download to your computer.

13. Try caviar – time to get adventurous with your food. Ok, I hate caviar but I love nigiri sushi-the really raw slab of fish (tuna especially) on hunk of rice. I also have found that quinoa, rice noodles, peppers and fried gator tail are pretty damn good. If you’ve made it this far without a major food issue, go for it. Still not sure about the chocolate crickets though.

14. Drink a Scotch – no carbs, no sugar and low cal. Also makes you more sophisticated, well maybe. Shots are so Carlos and Charlie’s in Cancun on a cheap cruise. Or Fireball Whiskey-oooh weeeeeeee

NOT a good idea...
NOT a good idea…

15. Get a car with heated seats-I will NEVER NEVER have a car again without heated seats. I don’t care how much the addition is, this one option is worth every penny. Especially if you are over 50

16. Fiber Fiber Fiber

17. Get a crock pot – you are busy and having a good time-makes cooking so easy

18. Buy anything with the word Astro in it – good advice from a wise sage in my family. I’ll leave it at that…
19.  Never trust a fart – especially during exercise. At this phase I have learned that if I am going to run, or downward dog, lactose is advised after exercising

20. Do exercise that you LIKE – so that means if you like to do the naked dance while doing laundry, its exercise in my book so go ahead with your bad self and pop a move-just make sure not to pop a hip.
And last but certainly not least (for this list anyway):

21. A Great Shoe and a Great Handbag don’t Judge…. You can be a size 14 or a size 6 and they will always be there for you to perk up your day. Don’t skimp and don’t wear Clarke’s on a date…

Oh HELL to The NO
Oh HELL to The NO

So, lucky for us, mom jeans are making a comeback, and MiracleSuits are on sale at Costco. Good luck my girlfriends-the ride is better HERE than anywhere!

 

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STEEL Magnolias???

Glock 9mm
Glock 9mm

I shot a Glock and I LIKED it…

I am NOT a die-hard right-wing nut job.

I am NOT a huge proponent of weapons.

I do believe there should be SANE gun control.

I do not LIKE loud noises.

I have all of my teeth and I do have a CUTE pickup truck. Without a gun rack.

Monday is Ladies Day at our new local gun range. Ladies shoot free! Show up there and just check out who is pulling the trigger like no tomorrow: the tennis team captain, the soccer mom, even the gals from the Bridge club in the neighborhood.

Seriously.

BC (the ball and chain hubby) took me for the first time a couple of months ago. I had been resisting this whole ordeal because, frankly, the whole gun thing skeeeeeeers me.  I never grew up around them, they kill and maim people, and I knew nothing about them. And I liked not knowing about them. My bubble is fine thankyouverymuch.

But over time, being married to a military man who collects these things (and safely keeps them in a huge safe locked away for eternity) I was talked in to going ‘at least once’ to at the very minimum, learn and try. So off we went to Ladies Day. Because, you know, if I didn’t like it, at least BC didn’t have to pay for it.

Off we went. Got in that truck, cranked some ZZ Top, and went around the corner in suburbia to the range that’s right beside the local grocery and ballet studio. What an oxymoron.

This new range is very luxurious, leather couches, a flat screen ,viewing area, and quiet. BC handed me some ear muff thingies and in we went. There were a couple of people in there shooting some scary rifles. It was loud even through my ear protectors but kind of muffled. I wanted to turn around and rum screaming from this place. It smelled like gunpowder and metal (duh). BC set me up with a small .22 pistol to try first. He showed me how to hold it, how to load it and all the safety parts. He set up the target down the way and had me cock the pistol (heh heh I said cock) and then aim at the target. My heart racing, I pulled the trigger. Pop! Missed the center but hit the edge! And it wasn’t really that loud.

Now that wasn’t so bad.

After I got a little more courageous he brought out the 9mm Glock. This is a well-known gun, expensive, kinda sleek and pretty, has quite a kick to it, and is LOUD.

The trigger was waaaay harder to pull than the .22 that was for sure. and it didn’t pop-it went BOOM! That was a Depends moment for me.

But completely empowering.

Then I was done. All of about 15 minutes. BC and the 18-year-old then proceeded to bring out the big stuff and shoot some more. I went to the lobby area to enjoy the leather seating and relax. He cleaned up, packed every thing up and we headed home.

What is with the tacky shirts? BC and 18 on a hunting trip
What is with the tacky shirts? BC and 18 on a hunting trip

I then found out that the gals in the local Bridge group (average age 60’s) go to the same place on Mondays as well. These are the girls with the Blue Willow china, the convertibles, and attend their churches every Sunday. And the tennis girls. Saw one on Facebook the other day posed with an AR rifle (holy God I am NOT going to do that) shooting away at the range. And cute skeet shooters that are my daughter’s age.

garden-and-gun-3My favorite magazine is Garden and Gun. There are some cute leather bags with hidden gun compartments in them, there are pink guns, and skeet shooting is oh so royal sounding.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to get all armed up and nut jobby. It’s important if your significant other has firearms to learn about them, learn gun safety, and insist they be locked up. I was psycho momma for years before this making sure all were hidden well (ammo and guns separately) locked up and untouchable by me and any kids. And believe me, BC did a very good job with that. And I am still psycho mom about it, even though now I know more than I did a couple of years ago.

The reason the Bridge group goes is because they wanted to learn how to protect themselves if they end up living alone. Makes a lot of sense. Many of my divorced and single girlfriends are learning to protect themselves as well. And I think that is really important.

And the empowerment part, well, I’m not gonna go out and be all Charlie’s Angels, but I do think, given the circumstance, at least I won’t be afraid to  protect myself. Because if anyone is going to steal my designer knock off bag, harass my family, or break in to my home, they’d better be prepared-it WILL get ugly.

So, okay, it’s not a trip to the mall, which I much prefer. But I’ll go again.

As long as they start making cuter accessories for us girls. Just saying…

 

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As Seen On TV!

asseenontv

I broke down.

I’d had enough.

I’ve sunk to the lowest of style lows.

I bought an “As Seen on TV!” Bra.

RIP Nordstrom bra lady, RIP Wacoal, RIP Victoria.

Here’s the secret:

It’s the most comfy brassiere (that’s French for bra, you know) I have EVER owned.

The other day, wounded and disheartened shopping through Walmart with my teenager who has now decided to decorate her bedroom in tacky leopard print and Xbox posters (It’s a phase It’s a phase, I know…gah…), I happened upon the section in the front-you know the one, the one by all the seasonal items-by the way, Valentine’s anyone?-that has the collection of egg timers, nose hair clippers, at home laser hair removal, chopper/shredders, bamboo steamers that you see on TV ads at 2 am while you are in the throes of a menopausal (or other) insomnia laden night. Some of you may remember the ShamWow for Christmas incident? BC is lucky to be alive, is all I can say…

funnyshamwow

I had seen the ad for the bras during a Kardashian marathon on E, but didn’t pay much attention to it, except for the part about hiding that nasty back fat. Oh, and the straps stay put, and the support. But anyway…

There they were. Front and center on the shelf in my local mega store and ONLY $19.95 for TWO!!!! I am a sucker for a deal.

So when you look on the back of the box for your size there is this chart:

So many sizes, so little time...
So many sizes, so little time…

When is the last time you really really had the girls measured? I mean, be honest.  For me it’s probably been 18 years and before I had my daughter. So I figured I was about a 38C ish.

Um, No.

So I thought, surely I am about a 38 C, D, E (F,G) and bought the XL.

When I got home, and I pulled it out of the box, it sure didn’t look like an XL. But, excited, I wriggled it over my head (think Spanx) and pulled and moved stuff around and got them all in there situated.

Still some boob fat on the side. That won’t do.

So I adjusted some more and voila! I need the next size up. Yay me.

I decided to wear it anyway. It was mostly a glorified sports bra with padding (that you can remove) without all the guilt about wearing it while NOT doing a sport. Genius!

And comfy.

I suggest you try it out.

And I will be going a size up. If for any reason but to go buy another box of 2. That’s 4 bra’s at about 10 bucks each. Such a deal!

So, buh bye Nordy, Wacoal, Vickie! You can take your wash in a lingerie bag in a gentle cycle and lay flat to dry $40 bra and shove it.

I’m taking the money I saved and going back to buy that at home laser hair removal kit.

I already have the super chopper.

 

Oh, and this isn’t a sponsored bra post. By anybody. Just little old me liking something I thought I would never in a lifetime buy…

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Match Dot Loser

You ever have one of those days when you just feel blergh and fugly????

Need an emotional pick up?

Then go to Facebook and  see if anyone is trying to get you to hook up! Who knows, you could meet some dude or dudette in a faraway land, like, maybe the Middle East, and then you would never have to worry about makeup again.

After all, those head wraps do solve many female problems…

Did you know there are more messages in your Facebook inbox than you think? Have you opened it up? When you are on your PC, open up your messages and look to the right and open the Other tab. This is where your FB spam goes. And if you are lucky, you will get a message like this:

fbsnip1And this:fbsnip3WOW – what a pick up for my day! I am sitting here in worn out sweats, no makeup and my hair looks like a fright wig and these guys WANT me….and this is my profile picture (at that time):

spoon

Captivating, no. Astonishing? Holy $hit, seriously? I am looking very more attractive. I am your soul mate.

And Bachelor Number Two-you need to do some more homework on Rosetta Stone, just saying…

This guy is intent on saving me. He must read this blog:

fbsnip2

I am sooooo gonna burn!

And that is TOTALLY NOT FAIR because I still suffer from years of Catholic guilt.

This guy wants to get to know me better:

fbsnip4I am a pretty damsel. This guy gets bonus points for using the word damsel. Old school, I liiiike it.

If this guy had really creeped on my profile he would have seen that at one time my dear BC (husband) was in the military. And more than likely out ranked him. Uh oh:

fbsnip5

I get it-man it must be REALLY lonely there to troll for yours truly. He saw my profile and couldn’t help writing. Umm Hmm. This profile picture?

Tan mom and 16
Tan mom and 16

 

Or this one?

 

shamingThe hotness is overwhelming.

And last but not least, the most persistent of the Bachelors:

fbsnip6

He gets a kitten because he tried TWICE!

Go get an ego boost. And then get creeped out.

Next post:  Changing your privacy settings…

 

I love sharing! And LIKE me on Facebook!

 

 

 

F51’s First Book Giveaway! And Review of ‘You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth’

lipstick

I have FINALLY found the one book that has truly made me laugh out loud in (unfortunately ) public places. That is a no holds barred, get a carton of Poise pads cause you’re gonna need them, hide yo kids, hide yo husband, grab a gallon bottle of wine, a cigarette (not that I advocate that but trust me you’ll need one, or a carton), read aloud to your sistahs, hilarious compilation of the best humor blogging bitches on the PLANET.

Um, this is my first real life book review. And giveaway.

A may get a little farklempt here.

Many of today’s fun chick blog anthologies out there today are by hilarious mom bloggers that speak to those early days of mom hell and comedy that we have already been through. Oh how I wish I was blogging when 17 was a toddler. Although in retrospect I would probably be divorced with huge therapy bills (hers and mine) to deal with right now.

You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth is funny and real. It will bring you to tears, both from the laughs and the essays where some of these funny gals have truly opened a vein and poured it out. It is full of stories by my greatest blogging heroes like The Bearded Iris, Let Me Start by Saying, Bad Parenting Moments, Fordeville Diaries, Momiacal , Loripalooza and more. It is acutely relatable, for instance, where else can you find out that your boobs and The Bearded Iris’s boobs have had many of the same experiences? I mean, mine and hers can be like total bffs y’all!

And you can NOT tell me that your Garden of Eden is not exactly like Julie Gardners’ Julie and The Amazing Technicolor Dream Crotch. Or you’ve experienced hot foreplay romance with the titillating come on “Mind if I lay a pipe in you?”from your husband like Lori Wescott’s. Or masturbating advice from your grandma, or while in a dance concert, getting the toes of your shoes stuck in the antennae on your head (costume) with your booty in full view of a venue of Germans? Or watching a naked workout queen apply hairspray on her cooch in the locker room of your gym?

Trust me. Would I lie to you? And I read the whole damn thing in one sitting. And I’m going to read it again. And talk about it and tell everyone to buy it because it’s not full of diaper, poop, and shit my kid says stories. It’s different. And it’s the funniest book I’ve read all year.

leslielipstick

Buy it here on Amazon download it to your reader, get a big old glass of wine, or coffee, and settle in. You’ll thank me later.

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I Shoulda Had A Second Child….

Because I’m driving my only one bat $hit crazy.

I got married a the ripe age of 28 to an airline pilot and spent the next seven years working, meeting him on fun layovers, and traveling to exotic locals all courtesy of his job. I also had a major horse addiction and I had to feed that as well.

17 in Biz-on the way to Brussels
17 in Biz-on the way to Brussels-in business class…sniff sniff

So when it came to the ‘Should we have a baby?’ discussion, we put it off until I was in my thirties. So we tried, we practiced, and by the age of 35, I held in my arms the most lovely little eight plus pound girl in the hospital, all the while demanding that the nurses did not bring her by for that 3 am feeding, begging for them not to remove the epidural pump after my c-section, and asking around frantically for an instruction manual to go with this new creature.

We never really intended on having an only child. But as timed marched on, and we both found out how taxing it is to have a new baby in the house when you are set in your ways and dad stays home a lot, we kinda lost track of time. Then I was nearing 40, and we were one little happy threesome and didn’t want to rock that boat, or baby, again.

Look, she was hard to get here (miscarriages suck) and hard to keep here (open heart surgery at 6 months) and my new mom experience was not the idyllic unicorns and rainbows experience that I thought it was going to be.  I also attended one Gymboree class when she was 11 months old and ran screaming in terror as the other oh so perfect mommies knew all the words and the hand motions. Not my gig.  At all.

I missed work. I was a successful real estate agent and we were blessed that I could arrange my days that BC could be home when I wasn’t and hold the fort down.  We did put her in a drop in day care once or twice a week for a couple of hours. And then on her first visit to a new one she got bitten and I was at a Starbucks in town with an old client and I got that phone call. Wow, Catholic guilt has NOTHING on mom guilt.

Like many other parents of only’s, we got that  one annoying statement ALL the time when she was young-you know, “Oh, she can’t be an only child. You need to get her a sibling!”

How obnoxious. Thanks. And my reply was (and always has been) “God knew what he was doing when he gave me an only child. I could either be a crappy parent to two kids, or a good parent to one. So he took the better option. Go away.”

I truly admire you gals with more than one. How  you keep child protective services off your doorstep every day is a wonder to me. It is also the one real reason that wine was invented. And chocolate. Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. And the best. And is full of great fodder for writers. Because if you couldn’t laugh at most of this shit, you’d cry.

I’ve never had any real regrets about this decision until she became a teen.  And she never asked for a sibling-really. Until she was in middle school and she started asking for an older brother.  After all I pay in taxes and this public school didn’t teach her the correct way the plumbing works? For real.

See, if they had ONE she'd have her own little Louis Vuitton tote all to herself...
See, if they had ONE she’d have her own little Louis Vuitton tote all to herself…

So I had to explain how that was not an option.  Also, please note, this is when the interest in boys was starting to emerge and I’m thinking that in her mind, an older brother would bring other older brothers to the house to hang out and she could stalk them in her own home.  I have to give it to her for her creativity.

My sister has always said that when you only have one, you don’t know if you are a really good parent or a really crappy one. Typically one balances the other out. I have friends who’ve raised their kids the exact same way and get different outcomes. Nature vs Nurture? You be the judge. Bill Cosby has also been quoted as saying that you really don’t become a real parent until you have two kids.

Not sure if I agree with that or not (mostly yes) but while I have been in the throes of teenage drama, there are times I wish I had that younger kid to focus my attention on. We all know our kids are going to be in therapy because of us, but it would be nice to know that maybe one of them won’t………

17 also has never had a sibling to call her out on her all of her flaws, what a bitch she is, steal her clothes, play pranks on her, rat her out, or hug her when she is great and call her big sis.  That I regret.

But regrets go right out the window when we go to the mall. No competition there. That is a win. Especially in her book. And I remind her that if she did have a sibling  she would have to share and budget. So being an only doesn’t suck.

I know she is tired of my focus being on her and no other. I wish it wasn’t the case. I am trying to get out of her world while keeping an ear to the ground and sleeping with one eye open. I’ll be there when she needs me to be. And then let her have her independence when she wants me out.

And if all else fails, I’ll call Angelina. To see if she has a sibling rental program.  They have a few to spare…

Shut Up Or We'll Adopt Your Kids

 

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News Flash- Most Teens Don’t Care about Miley…

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So who hasn’t weighed in on the issue? The Foam Finger Debacle last Sunday night has sent many bloggers in to orbit over that performance.

Tacky? Yes. Provocative? Yes. Porn? Yep. Ridiculous? Yes. Sad? Yes.

But guess what? If you think that all of a sudden our teenage daughters are going to mimic this behavior and think it’s normal, I have news for you.

They don’t care.

In fact, from my informal poll of 17 and her friends, MTV is just not on their radar, and they didn’t watch it. In fact, did not hear about it until Twitter blew up that night and even then they were deep in to their own dramas, homework, boyfriends, to even care or notice it.

So when I asked 17 if she and her friends talked about it I got the big eye-roll and the comment, Miley Cyrus????

No mom, we were at dinner with 10 other friends and it didn’t come up.

Because when they become teenagers, they do not care or notice what is going on in the outside world.

It is all about them.

Remember when they were toddlers and they were the center of their world and everyone else revolved around them keeping them from killing themselves, feeding them, putting them in strollers, picking out their clothes, making sure they napped, all to keep them happy?

When they turn 13-14, it all happens again. Once more, the outside world does not matter to them because it is all about their world and no one else’s.

So the more we talk about this in social media, the more famous it makes Miley become, and the more attention is brought to her performance. It is, after all, what she wanted, right?

And the Blurred Lines thing? Hate to tell ya, while you are having a stroke about the misognyny of that song, they are blasting Little Wayne, et al in their cars, at the gym, on their smart phones, during homework and more.

People, take a Xanax.

Because I can most certainly tell you that in the end, our girls will be happy, healthy, educated, and living in a normal home with family and friends.

While Miley twerks around in her 10 million dollar Brentwood mansion. Alone. With a foam finger for company.