Category

Zombies

Yo, MAP, Where You Been??

I took a sabbatical from writing.

And I have better posture for doing it. Mom will be happy.

The last year I have had many many changes and life events going on. Some were AWESOME and a few were some that will make your hair grey.

That’s life honey, not for sissies.

The ONE THING that I have learned is the old saying:

strong

I know, cliché, but it’s freekin true.

Sooo, in the last year or so I learned some things:

  • I don’t lose weight when I am stressed therefore I will never get divorced because the Divorce Diet will not get me a new man.
  • I will NEVER EVER rescue another dog with the REMOTEST DNA of Chihuahua in it.
  • Do NOT buy the cheap pads. Poise all the way!
  • When your parents become hard of hearing, it’s really not that bad. Except for the TV that I can hear from Florida. And the yelling.
  • When you travel especially overseas, you really only need 2 pairs of black pants, Uggs, ortho inserts, a camera, a jacket and deodorant.
  • Centre Court Wimbledon IS all that and a bag of chips. Or a glass of Pimms. Oh, and don’t make fun of the “Ugly English Old Dude” sitting next to you. He just may be the president of the All England Club…

 

 

wimbledon (7 of 9)
Amazing Serena @rustystirrupphotography

 

  • I totally fan girled over this beautiful young husband I met at an AirBNB we stayed at in England who’s best friends with Andrew Lincoln. THAT was embarrassing….

 

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA - OCTOBER 02: Andrew Lincoln arrives at AMC's "The Walking Dead" Season 5 Premiere held at AMC Universal City Walk on October 2, 2014 in Universal City, California. (Photo by Michael Tran/FilmMagic)

  • The correct pronunciation of the word HAM in Spanish is ‘hambon’ NOT ‘jambone’.
  • I love Guatemala.

    Me and Shari on an avocado, coffee and children's mission on Lake Atitlan
    Me and Shari on an avocado, coffee and children’s mission on Lake Atitlan
  • I still dig through  and buy dead’s people’s stuff (estate sales)
  • My mom is seriously a trooper – we took her on a pass (not recommended) to Amsterdam and Germany this past spring. Surprise! There are very few escalators in European train stations.
  • I started my own skin care franchise. Yep, you heard me right the first time. E-commerce all the way baby, work from home and can still junk, travel and write. Because the former three can’t pay all the bills. And I get to dress up nice again, go to a couple of meetings, a convention, and meet some pretty awesome, normal, and driven women. And the product works.Docs

 

 

I’ve also learned about patience, love, forgiveness, prayer, charity, dignity and hope.

And I guess those were my most important lessons this year!

 

Welcome to EATcopalypse 2014!

The Southeast got over 4 inches. The Northeast is bracing for up to 14 inches. All diet centers have closed for the time being. No meetings, weigh ins, consultations. Some gyms are open. Power is a issue all over the Eastern US. Yet, grocery stores have been wiped out. Especially prior to these storms. We will NOT go hungry.

It’s not Snowcopalypse 2014, its EATcopalypse 2014!

And this is one of two pantries we have....
And this is one of two pantries we have….

Why do these storms make us think we will run out of food? It’s not like we, as a society, really keep bare pantries.  And bread and milk? Funny, the gluten free posts have stopped on my timeline. Even Wheat Belly has taken a break.

Working out? Those of you who find it necessary to tell us about your long walk/run in the wind and snow, just watch this:

 [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPTt6MgsOt8]

God is good. It’s dangerous out there folks…

In my household, the eat-a-thon began Tuesday.  So far we have gone through a package of Oreos, tortilla chips, jar of salsa, a dozen cranberry orange muffins, hot dogs, popcorn, sodas, lemonade (and vodka), red wine, beer, salad, steak and chicken, potatoes, Frosted Flakes, trail mix, cheese, chicken salad from Costco, and more.

And there are only three of us.

Even the dogs are eating more. I’ve gone through two regular bags of dog food since Monday – all they wanna do is eat-aside from the fact that they ARE playing in the snow, making it yellow, and then napping on my leather couch.

It’s like we just can’t be trapped at home and do regular things, oh, like read, have conversations, play games, knit, clean. Nooooo, we eat and cook, cook and eat. The first flake on Tuesday had me pre-heating the oven to 350 for no reason at all.

See, told you I was hungry....
See, told you I was hungry….

It’s like we are food zombies. We aren’t looking for another person to eat (well, desperate times, desperate measures remember that book, Alive??? scary) we are throwing all good eating habits out the window and digging in. The minute we hear there’s no school, to stay off the roads, we hunker down. Pre-heat our ovens, start that soup, open that wine.

What does hunker mean anyway????

hun·ker

intransitive verb ˈhəŋ-kər

: to lower your body to the ground by bending your legs

hun·keredhun·ker·ing

Full Definition of HUNKER

1:  crouch, squat —usually used with down
2:  to settle in or dig in for a sustained period —used with down <hunker down for a good long wait — New Yorker>

Origin of HUNKER

probably akin to Middle Dutch hucken, huken to squat, Middle Low German hōken to squat, peddle, Old Norse hūka to squat

First Known Use: 1720
_________________________________

It’s an instinctual survival mechanism. Because you know, if we get stranded, we can live off that fat for a week or two.

Hunker down people, this muffin’s gonna keep me alive!

MuffinTop

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I can justify anything…

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Do You Love Him Enough To Keep His Head In A Bag?

Many of you know that I am a huge The Walking Dead fan.

I wrote about it last year – because a zombie is truly an angry woman in menopause…

Season 4 premiered this past Sunday and was fantastic. I mean, the last time I was in Walmart I wasn’t worried about zombies falling through the ceiling of the store, but you bet before I enter one again, I am going to take a look up on the roof. Just to make sure. Because the last thing I want to do is die in a Walmart buried under cans of Spaghetti-O’s with a zombie eating my leg off.

Nieman’s? Maybe. Walmart, NO.

The episode included Rick coming upon a dirty, hungry woman in the woods looking for food for her husband.  She pleaded and begged Rick to come back with her and meet him and possibly allow them to come to the safe haven Rick and company are currently residing in (which, by the way, is not looking so safe anymore…). The scene ends (spoiler alert!) with her trying to kill Rick to feed HIM to her husband.

Well, part of her husband.

Who is only a live zombie head, in a bag.

Uh, huh.

Who writes this stuff?

Luckily our hero and resident hottie Rick doesn’t become his latest Whopper with Cheese and the chick kills herself to be with headless hubs.

I'm thinking zombie land wouldn't be so bad if he and I were the only ones left....
I’m thinking zombie land wouldn’t be so bad if he and I were the only ones left….

Which begs me to ask this question. Do I love my better half to keep his zombie head in a bag and kill to feed him and live in the woods?

Tough question.

First of all, let’s clarify that I do love my BC (hubs). But let’s be realistic here.

If he is now only a head, he can’t work, can’t get paid, can’t mow the lawn, can’t kill a spider (for shitssake now I have to do that….), can’t pay bills, can’t cook a steak on the grill, can’t forget his keys and wallet around the house (well, he has no pockets-ha!), can’t change a tire, can’t take me out to dinner, can’t buy me flowers, can’t threaten the kids (I see it now-Just you wait till your father gets home-Oh yeah, just you wait till I get his head out of the bag and then he can groan and drool at you!), can’t take the trash out, can’t repair anything, you get my drift.

It’s a pretty easy decision for me.

I love you honey, but I am not keeping your head.

You’re well insured. Why screw that up?

 

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The Guilt Trip – Or I Guess I’ll Just Grow An Extra Toe

I just threw a plastic container in my garbage can. NOT the recycling can, the real, live, smells like rotten fruit, dog vomit, wiped up cat pee and coffee grinds-full GARBAGE CAN.

And now I will be going to recycling jail.

images

I just ate a bowl of fruit flavored Cheerios. You know, that evil Monsanto connected food product company General Mills? Yep, and I also had Triscuits (Nabisco) with Cracker Barrel Cheese (Kraft) and then a Lean Cuisine for dinner, a vodka martini with Ocean Spray, and a Cadbury bar for dessert.

Yep, Monsanto, Monsanto, Monsanto, Monsanto, Mon-freekin-Santo.

How am I supposed to eat? Me and my  family are a walking, talking ad for bad $hit in food and we are all still alive. We may have an extra toenail on the side of our feet, but dammit, Jim, we are still here.

When I separate the stuff on our kitchen counter to throw in the recycling bin that I pay EXTRA for, I know all of it goes all mushed together to some place where (for real ???) people with haz mat suits on separate every eensy teesny cup, bottle, paper, bag, ziplock, beer can, steel can and humongous plastic bottle at some facility on the south side of town.

Yeah, right.

I use energy. Oh yes, you electricity Nazi’s got many many good years out of me not worrying about how hot or cold I was and the temperature is just fine thank you in my house. NOT NOW. I am 53, and this summer put a turbo charger on that AC unit because it is gonna be 70 degrees or cooler in my house. Or else my (gasp) grocery store bought makeup will be running down my face at every degree over 70.

I eat red meat. Big juicy steaks, with loaded baked potatoes-don’t forget the sour cream and bacon. My husband’s favorite meal is country fried steak, which I cook in reserved bacon fat. Yep, the real deal. With a hearty glass of red wine. And cheesecake for dessert.

I found myself at a standstill recently because I want to do the right thing. But for who? Me? The environment? My family? The world?

And I can’t do it anymore. I was spending too much time worrying about what I was going to buy at the grocery store that I was getting paralyzed by the lack of choices and freaking about the frankenfood I was feeding my family. I was separating everything on my kitchen counters before I tossed it in that bin — my counters were so full of plastic bottles, cans, wrappers, small boxes that if the Hoarders folks showed up the cameras would have started rolling. I wasn’t getting enough sleep at night due to sweating (flashing and just being plain old hot) that I was a walking menopause zombie during the day. Looking to eat small children as appetizers.

funny-celebrity-pictures-hoarders-star-trek-edition

Then I woke up from my guilt induced haze and said, ‘Screw. It.’

Boy that is a freeing moment.

And yes, the whole GMO thing is bad. Very, very bad. I agree that we should not be eating or promoting this kind of food engineering. But you tell me what is going to happen when all of these companies that are trying to feed 200 million Americans try to keep their products safe from bugs, be plentiful, and cheap. If you think of a solution let me know.

And we recycle. As best we can. But I am no longer going to lose a moment of cool sleep worrying about that plastic water bottle I tossed in the garbage at the Mall. Or that Starbucks coffee cup that had that $4 latte in it.

And I’m done feeling guilty about it. I do the best I can for my little family. I donate food to the poor (Sorry, it’s GMO…), I give my time to charities, we do Meatless Mondays in our house. I do what I can. And I refuse to make OTHERS feel guilty about it either.

We can change the world. But it happens in baby steps. One person at a time in their own way. I’m going to just let it go and not worry about it.

Any. More.

After I finish this Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal.

royale-with-cheese

Sounds so much more delicious in French…

Hot Flash Friday-The Menopause Zombie

(This is an updated version of this post from last summer-one of my most popular…scary, huh?)

On my bucket list is to be a zombie extra on The Walking Dead.  Seriously. They film it here in the south Atlanta area and I wanna get my head chopped off by Michonne or speared by Darryl.  When you wish upon a star……

AMC had a Walking Dead marathon last week-in preparation for it’s season 3 finale last Sunday night.. I watched the whole thing including the Talking Dead special. I am obsessed with this show.

And that is really head injured considering I am not in their target demographics and I hate :

-Scary Movies
-Blood, guts, guns, spurting brains and internal organs, bulging eyes
-Depressing plot lines
-Apocalyptic plot lines
-Moaning and screaming unless it’s porn
-Bows, arrows, buildings on fire, blowing up stuff
-Bugs and decapitation–unless you decapitate the bug, then I’m okay with that……..

And this show has all of the above and more, and is on cable, and as I said, I cannot get enough of it.

I started watching Walking Dead because a good friend of mine’s daughter played Sophia, the darling little girl who, in the second season, got chased into the woods by zombies, hid for a while, then walked off. I wanted to check her out and this series because I was hearing so much about it. She is an awesome little actress. When she disappeared, I messaged her dad about it and asked where she was and his comeback was ‘well, today she is in school.’

Haha very funny.

So, watching that story arc and finding out what happen became an important part of my Sunday evenings.

And I also figured out that zombies and women in menopause are remarkably alike…..

-They stagger around looking for something to eat constantly
-They act like they are in a daze full-time
-They do not care what they look like
-They moan quite a bit
-Their hair would scare any mother
-When they get pissed, holy shit, watch out! Well, they are always pissed…
-Their clothes are horrendous and do not seem to fit properly. Seriously, when I become one I better have on my Miss Me jeans and my Tory Burch flats…
-They walk around like they are in one constant hot flash
-They eat their children
-They eat their husbands

See, told you I was hungry….

The Young and the Zombieless, All My Zombies, The Bold and The Zombies — all rolled into one show–SQUEEEEE!

Therefore, the real problem out there in WD land is really that menopause has gone viral.

Could happen. . .

I Can Justify ANYTHING

I don’t make resolutions, I make JUSTIFICATIONS.funny-celebrity-pictures-guardian-angels

Growing up with the Guilt Angel hanging over my head has helped me to learn to make a justification for just about everything I do or not do in life. Guilt Angel also taught me the fine art of sucking up when I had a late assignment in high school, slept through an exam in college, or ran in late to my office (Oh so sorry, I got my period and that really tied up traffic this morning…). So, I can justify not making these resolutions:

More Exercise

Oh Hell to the NO
Oh Hell to the NO

Did you know that people actually FART OUT LOUD in a Yoga Class? As they are contorting themselves in highly awkward positions, releasing gas is supposedly detoxifying your body.  But in a hot room full of people sweating? People pay money for that, folks… No sirree-I am going to downward dog when I get out of my bed in the morning and let BC enjoy the yoga perfume.

RUNNING?? Seriously-where are you going that you have to run to get there? Unless I am being chased by an ax murderer or trying to get to free Chanel Bags at the end of the Apocalypse, I am not running anywhere.  I run to the bathroom. That’s it.

Join a GYM? Uh, think of it this way.  I want some work done on my face. Not a whole lot. But $39 a month for 12 months? That’s $468 PLUS the join fee-Honey, that’s a frozen forehead AND erased marionette lines right there!

Eat Healthy

Oh puuuhhhlllleeeaaase! I am a carnivore. Carbs are not my friends. Oh yes, they text me and Facebook me to come over and play with them and their Pinterest Dip friends.  Carbs are the mean head cheerleader girl of foods. Just remember that.

Tenderloin with a Cabernet glaze? I. AM. IN.  Thank God I love spinach, kale, broccoli, and other greens, especially smothered in olive oil and garlic.

BC is giving up Diet Coke. Well, good for him. I have ONE Diet Cherry Zero every day, and my teeth have not rotted out yet. Geez, the pressure…

Did you know that Fritos have very little carbs?  Cracker Barrel has pre-cut sharp cheddar slices.  Wine is full of reservatrol. Especially if you drink as much as the hubs and I do(we are going to live forever at this point).  Real sugar is better than the fake stuff.  Real Butter almost killed Paula Dean but used in moderation it’s more healthy than margarine. Which is apparently one molecule off of plastic.  Watch out for all those awful frozen diet meals.  They do NOT look like the photo on the cover of the box. In fact, they look very sad after you cook them. Like they are missing something..like TASTE maybe???

Cook it-Then see what it looks like...
Cook it-Then see what it looks like…

Be More Organized

Just what the hell does this mean? More organized in what?  My favorite quote is “A Clean House is a Sign of a Sick Mind”.  And my house is somewhat clean.  I mean, I get the dog poop up off the wool rug in the dining room in the morning and I do the dishes from the night before. Then I vacuum the dog hair off the floor and flush a couple of toilets.  That, my friends, is a clean house!

Hoarders-Teen Edition...
Hoarders-Teen Edition…

BC flies over night quite a bit due to his travels to Europe and South America.  Kinda hard to make the bed with him in it. So that one is out the window.  Oh, and putting dishes and pots and pans away as well as running the washing machine could wake him up and I certainly do NOT want to awaken the Kracken!

Our organization methods involve little piles of shit everywhere. Both  me, BC and 17. And I can tell you within one millisecond, if you ask where something is, which pile it’s in.

Boom.

Stay on a BudgetADD2

Okay. I am trying really, really hard to do this. I really am.  But, because of the serious condition I have (that I diagnosed on my WebMD app on my phone) called Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, I need a bit of leeway on this.  It’s hard to keep track when you are in the midst of a sale at Target and you are fighting the neighborhood Tennis Bitch for the Tory Burch Lunchbox because, you know, we are inherently competitive…do you know how many bags of cheddar cheese I have in my fridge? I even take lists to the grocery and still screw up.

Besides, that last pair of UGG’s I had that lasted me four years? That’s only $30 a year to wear them. Take THAT, BC…

Told ya.
Told ya.

Lose Weight

Yeah yeah. I will. Especially with the coming Zombie Apocalypse who would need to worry about it.  Have you ever seen a Fat Zombie? I rest my case.

I can justify ANYTHING.

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Slacker Turkey Leftovers

In honor of my lazy woman’s turkey recipe – I now present you with Slacker Turkey Leftovers!

I really really really really HATE leftovers. BC loves them. He will eat anything in a plastic container in the fridge and GOD FORBID you toss it out after about 2 days.

That guy has ingested more bacteria and funk in the 25 years of our marriage, he HAS to be pickled inside. And he is always getting that “My stomach feels funky” thing and will not admit that maybe, just maybe, it’s the fucking leftovers!

I call them science projects.  If there is ever a Zombie Apocalypse and you need penicillin, come on over to my house. 

It’s in the fridge.

The up side of this is that those nights I don’t feel like cooking, he is good with whatever surprise is in the plastic container and I eat popcorn. Or a bowl of cereal. And a glass of wine.

I also love soup. He detests it. I think he was brought up in a secret Japanese household where they slurp it at dinner because if I as much as sip my coffee or make a brothy soup and I ACCIDENTALLY slurp it, he gives me the most unbelievable side eye. If we ever divorce, it will be cause of irreconcilable slurping. I just know it.

Luckily over the years I have mastered the art of leftover cooking, and this turkey leftover concoction is one og the most EASY and delicious I make-many thanks to Big Momma for the creation.

Slacker Turkey Leftovers

Take all of your leftover turkey (or most of it), your leftover dressing, gravy and green bean casserole and place in a very large skillet. You can put it in different corners of the pan if you do not like your food to touch-but it won’t work as well that way you OCD food weirdos….. Heat on medium low and stir for about an hour. You may need to add that emergency jar of gravy you have set aside the day before and maybe a box of stove top stuffing.

When heated through, serve over rice or frozen mashed potatoes, waved of course, and add a can of peas or a salad and VOILA – great day after fare.

Enjoy your turkey hangover today!

Warts and All. Why I Love My Faults…

I was trolling around on the internet looking for blog inspiration and I found a couple of folks who do Monday Listicles-they throw out a topic and you write 5 or 10 things about that topic. One was the top things you learned in 2012, and the other was what faults are you thankful for.

These may or may not be faults, depending on perspective.  Maybe they are vices, whatever…

1. I am thankful for my impulsiveness or ADD. It helps me decide, fairly quickly, to buy that overpriced handbag (Hey, honey, I can recoup it on eBay!). In addition to some bad decisions, it has also helped me to take chances on myself, bring home cute kitties and puppies from various rescue places, and start this blogging thing…

2. I am thankful for my addiction to carbohydrates. In real life, carbs and starches are my enemy. But my fantasy would be that someone invent a pill so that I could eat delicious bread based meals like stuffing, cakes, pies, hero subs, french fries and more with abandon. I bet the need for depression meds would be much less…

3. I am thankful for red wine. I even drink it at concerts, which is truly lame. Aerosmith and a glass of cab. Never thought THAT would happen…

4. I am thankful for my sometimes lack of a filter. Lets me know who is real and who is not. This really helps in negotiations in today’s cheerful real estate market…

5. I am thankful for my love of stupid television. Honey Boo Boo, Storage Wars, Real Housewives, Kardashians. Reminds me that I am not as crazy as I think I am…

6. I am thankful for the current Zombie craze. I now know that when I become a zombie, I will be skinny and not have to put on makeup to leave the house. And I can eat anything I want. I am truly a meat eater, suits me well…

7. I am thankful for my love of all things Flo Rida, Lady Gaga, Diddy, Kanye et al. Who needs to teach their kids about sex when you can just turn on the radio?

8. I am thankful for Facebook and Twitter. I have been able to reconnect AND meet with some old and new friends and make a fool of myself for people all over the planet.

9. I am thankful for my potty mouth.  Sometimes. It has taken me a while to figure out where and when to use it properly.  But there is just no better word than those that begin with F for when you stub your toe, hit the side of the garage in your hub’s truck, or yell at your teenager when you find your bottle of whipped cream vodka gone from the freezer.

10.  I am thankful for these lists.  Makes me write when I have writer’s constipation.  And gets me going again!

Have a great week!

The Menopause Zombie

AMC had a Walking Dead marathon this weekend. 16 and I watched the whole thing including the Talking Dead special Sunday night. I am obsessed with this show.

And that is really head injured considering I am not in their target demographics and I hate :

Scary Movies
Blood, guts, guns, spurting brains and internal organs, bulging eyes
Depressing plot lines
Apocalyptic plot lines
Moaning and screaming unless it’s porn
Bows, arrows, buildings on fire, blowing up stuff
Bugs and decapitation–unless you decapitate the bug then I’m ok with that……..

And this show has all of the above and more, and is on cable, and as I said, I cannot get enough of it.

I started watching Walking Dead because a good buddy of mine’s daughter played Sophia, the darling little girl who, in the second season, got chased into the woods by Zombies, hid for a while, then walked off. I wanted to check her out and this series because I was hearing so much about it. She is an awesome little actress. When she disappeared, I messaged her dad about it and asked where she was and his comeback was ‘well, today she is in school.’

Sophia Peltier

Haha very funny.

So, watching that story arc and finding out what happen became an important part of my Sunday evenings.

And I also figured out that zombies and women in menopause are remakably alike…..

They stagger around looking for something to eat constantly
They act like they are in a daze full-time
They do not care what they look like
They moan quite a bit
Their hair would scare any mother
When they get pissed, holy shit watch out!
Their clothes do not seem to fit properly
They have really bad shoes
They eat their children
They eat their husbands

See, told you I was hungry….

The Young and the Zombieless, All My Zombies, The Bold and The Zombies — all rolled into one show–SQUEEEEE!

Therefore, the real problem out there in WD land is really that menopause has gone viral.

Could happen.