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Books

I Don’t Do Resolutions – More like Revelations

I love when the new year comes. It’s a new beginning for everyone. All the sappy resolutions, commitments, announcements of being a better person, yada yada yada.

Funny-new-years-resolutions-cake

Give it two weeks. Or two days. Let’s see how that diet, healthy, faithful, blah blah goes the minute you get hit with the baseball bat of stress at work, home or play…

Okay, so I am being snarky. Yeah, I get it–sorry, but this realist has decided to make some realistic revelations for the new year.

Bear with me:

1.  I have neglected this blog in 2013. I was profoundly wordy in 2012 and not so much in 2013. Life just got in the way (my parents started reading it) and all the promises at these blog conferences and workshops that are a bit pricy extol that you can MONETIZE!! Yes, stand out, be paid, revel in the oodles of money you are going to make. Guess what, the folks making money blogging are the ONES who put on the conferences and classes! DUH. So I resolve to let what ever happens happen. I will pick wisely where I spend what little money I have to enhance this thing called ‘writing’.

2.  I lacked focus in 2013. In life, parenting, writing, work. Too many situations pulling me in too many different directions. Some I could absolutely not write about. Some I did. So in 2014 the focus will be back. It will be The Year Of Writing Dangerously (I bought the book)…

writingdangerous

3.  There is no such thing as a DIET. There is such a thing as watching what you eat, being healthy both of mind and body. If those two ain’t together you can fuggedaboutit. I did join Weight Watchers and it is working. Slow and steady wins the race. And the skinny jeans.

4.  I need to read more. In the last week I have downloaded or bought about 6 different books to start the year off. I go in and out of reading binges and I’m feeling one coming on, as long as I can get to level 320 of Candy Crush first.

5.  I know social media is a total time suck. Just look at my house. I love it for the connections I have made, but hate it for being such a large part of my day catching up. Time to hit the delete button for: People who only post quotes, people who only post political stuff-especially the inflammatory (yeah, BC, take it down a notch…), all the animal rescue sites–good GOD, WTF-hand me my Prozac I can’t take it! All the I never post anything about anything UNTIL I go on a fabulous vacation then I post a gazillion pictures a day people, people who only use it for self promotion for their business, multi-level or otherwise, Girlfriends who only post relentless selfies and nothing else-I’m thinking profile pics should be consistent, but whatever. So I guess that will leave me with about 100 out of 1000 people but quality, not quantity, right?

selfie

6.  I will take control of my house back from my animals. I will stay away from PetsMart on adoption day. Do not believe these statements from rescue people: He’s housebroken (unless he eats the cat food, then he will have diarrhea for two days all over your hardwood floors), She was living in an apartment and had to get rid of the dog (it lived in a crate 24/7 and now will not get near one and has anxiety issues when you leave), He’s fine with cats! Just not small children (which is code for hates cats), If he doesn’t work out bring him back (changes phone number and disappears from Google maps), He doesn’t bark much that we know of (because he is so traumatized at the rescue facility that he doesn’t bark but after a week in your home he decides ever sound is a threat and will bark non-stop). And I will stop feeling guilty that I feed them grocery store-bought food and not the wheat-free, holistic, herbal, ground up tofu $50 a bag crap from the pet boutique.

sara

7.  I will live on a budget. This will be terrifying for me, as I know how to calculate the price/earnings ratio of a company, but can not balance a checkbook for the life of me. So, BC, just give me an amount and then make a warning sound like a gong or something when I get close to the zero balance.

8.  On Sunday I will make a grocery list for the week. Scratch that. Not happening.

9.  I will no longer be the mom who has all the teens over all the time. They are using up my toilet paper, drinking all my Diet Cherry Cokes (the NERVE) and eating me out of house, Tostitos, and my yummy taquitos from Costco, putting cigarette butts in my planters at night (Yeah, I know who you are) and making my driveway look like a redneck used car lot. Buh Bye. Go to your houses. Have a nice day. Or I start charging a cover fee. Get used to it, it’s college prep for all those fun bars you will be going to on your parent’s nickel.

10.  Me and BC will travel more. And stay more than 48 hours (he’s with the airlines). I know he hates hotel rooms but he has NO idea how much I love the peace, the maid service, and those cute little shampoos and shit.

@Alan Light FLickr Creative Commons
@Alan Light FLickr Creative Commons

11. I will put on a bathing suit this year. I will purge my closet of all those ‘hopeful’ outfits that I will never wear again-you know the ones-but I may be going to a black tie affair this year (yeah, right). I will eat at home more. I will not eat another diet frozen meal again-they do not look like their cover photo and I don’t believe in photo-shopped food. I am giving up on my wish for a farm with chickens. I’m looking, however, to find a nice lake place. Never give up on a dream.

I will enjoy 2014 so much more than 2013. And if any of these get broken in the next week or so I don’t have to tell you anyway. At least not on Facebook…

 

I love sharing! Don’t miss a thing-sign up over there on the right with your email and you can get me in your inbox. I do not use your information or send it to anyone. Hell, I don’t even know how to find it in my dashboard. Good for you, me not so much.

 

F51’s First Book Giveaway! And Review of ‘You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth’

lipstick

I have FINALLY found the one book that has truly made me laugh out loud in (unfortunately ) public places. That is a no holds barred, get a carton of Poise pads cause you’re gonna need them, hide yo kids, hide yo husband, grab a gallon bottle of wine, a cigarette (not that I advocate that but trust me you’ll need one, or a carton), read aloud to your sistahs, hilarious compilation of the best humor blogging bitches on the PLANET.

Um, this is my first real life book review. And giveaway.

A may get a little farklempt here.

Many of today’s fun chick blog anthologies out there today are by hilarious mom bloggers that speak to those early days of mom hell and comedy that we have already been through. Oh how I wish I was blogging when 17 was a toddler. Although in retrospect I would probably be divorced with huge therapy bills (hers and mine) to deal with right now.

You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth is funny and real. It will bring you to tears, both from the laughs and the essays where some of these funny gals have truly opened a vein and poured it out. It is full of stories by my greatest blogging heroes like The Bearded Iris, Let Me Start by Saying, Bad Parenting Moments, Fordeville Diaries, Momiacal , Loripalooza and more. It is acutely relatable, for instance, where else can you find out that your boobs and The Bearded Iris’s boobs have had many of the same experiences? I mean, mine and hers can be like total bffs y’all!

And you can NOT tell me that your Garden of Eden is not exactly like Julie Gardners’ Julie and The Amazing Technicolor Dream Crotch. Or you’ve experienced hot foreplay romance with the titillating come on “Mind if I lay a pipe in you?”from your husband like Lori Wescott’s. Or masturbating advice from your grandma, or while in a dance concert, getting the toes of your shoes stuck in the antennae on your head (costume) with your booty in full view of a venue of Germans? Or watching a naked workout queen apply hairspray on her cooch in the locker room of your gym?

Trust me. Would I lie to you? And I read the whole damn thing in one sitting. And I’m going to read it again. And talk about it and tell everyone to buy it because it’s not full of diaper, poop, and shit my kid says stories. It’s different. And it’s the funniest book I’ve read all year.

leslielipstick

Buy it here on Amazon download it to your reader, get a big old glass of wine, or coffee, and settle in. You’ll thank me later.

Sign up below to win a free copy signed by the immortal Leslie Marinelli!

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WTF Wednesday – I’m In A BOOK!

Find Me on Amazon!
Find Me on Amazon!

I have only been putting it out there since June of this year.
Yeah, I have blogged for the past 5 years about real estate and all that crap but I thought that if I did one more market update or school SAT report I was going to quit.  Lots of crickets are out there in  RE blogland. And I wanted to be funny.  So, one of my girlfriends dragged me to a blogging class hosted by one of my favorite writers, Hollis Gillespie.  I mean, anyone who writes a best seller called Bleachy-Haired Honkey Bitch and Confessions of a Recovering Slut is my kinda girl.  And she challenged me to write, and write for 30 days to see if I will keep it up.

Well, here I am.
In the 6 months I have been pursuing this crazy dream I have had the chance to make some awesome friends in the blogosphere, Meet Ree Drummond of The Pioneer Woman, be in the tweet seats at Anderson Cooper Live, be in the Top 13 of Blogger Idol, be featured on BlogHer twice, included in The Huffington Post,  and now one of my posts is published in a new e-book at Amazon called Life Well Blogged, No Laughing Allowed.

This is a compilation of stories from all kinds of fun bloggers out there-I am in the company of some greats! Order yours now so you can get your funny on.

I am looking forward to expanding my waistline  growing my audience and meeting even more inspiring people.  In the meantime, I am working on a new Forever 51 blog for you that will be bigger, better and more likely to get me committed.

Now, go get a martini.