Pass the Perfume and Bring Me a Fan

hiherspotty
@flickr

This weekend I found out that I am getting to the age where going to the bathroom in a clean restroom is a right, not a privilege. You would think that since the porta potty was invented in 1962 by George Harding that it would have come a longer way in 60 plus years.

But it hasn’t.

Initially this device was invented for people who built and worked on ships-because finding a place to shit on a ship closer to the area you worked in was a necessity. Designed on the outhouse concept, ship workers were having to leave and walk all the way back to the docks to go drop the kids off at the pool. Made of wood and metal at first, they found that they were smelly.

OH REALLY???

So in the 1970’s they were made of fiberglass. They are still smelly. But on the flip side (ok, porta potty joke inserted here heh heh) they are lighter and easier to transport. And clean. The cleaning part is selective at events. Some do every day, some wait till the end.

Obviously where I was this weekend, they waited till the end.

Now I know us gals are for equal rights and all that but I am sorry, I just CAN’T go in a plastic crapper right after a 300 lb guy with tats, a Big Gulp and an ‘I’m with Stupid’ shirt on comes rambling out the door.

RattlesnakeWarning1
@Flickr

I. Just. Can’t.

At the end of the day, I’m still a delicate southern belle with (some) manners and a personal hygiene fetish. Showers are important to my mental and physical health. And so are clean hands.

And clean hienie.

astrodiaper
@Amazon

I consider it the lowest depths of hell to go in a plastic box with an open toilet in 86 degree heat to get some relief. I’d rather wear astronaut diapers to an event than go in one of those things again.

I participated in an antique festival this weekend and besides the slow sales, me and the girls all around me were laughing AND complaining about the relief stations. I swear, we would have paid a dollar a poop to go in an air-conditioned, clean women’s room if they had it. Because in reality the people who make the most money at these things are the guy selling the funnel cakes, corn dogs and water at two bucks a bottle. Which is why they need these things.

I’m sensing a business here. Can you see me, in a pink trailer with ladies rooms, air conditioning, working sinks, fans-at a dollar a drop? I’m going to call it The Princess Pooper and am going on Shark Tank for funding.

Don’t steal my idea. I know lawyers.

So please Festival people, concert promoters, party planners, and all, at least can you DESIGNATE the chick shitter???? Would it kill you? Could the Porta Potty makers make pink potties with fans for goodness sakes?

Just until I get my funding.

You’re invited to my launch party. Bring a fan.

FUN FACT: The world record for the most porta potties assembled at one time occurred in 2009. During the inauguration of President Barack Obama, 5,000 porta potties were rented for the attendees of the event.

Oh those crazy Democrats…

I only need 12 MORE LIKES on my Facebook page right up there to the right to get to 2000-LIKE Forever 51 and I promise to keep us both entertained.

10 Things To Not Do Yourself

It really makes me crazy when I am either shopping with someone or I am manning my booth at the antique market and someone says, “Oh, I can make that MYSELF!”

Yeah sugar, you just go ahead and try that whydontcha. . .

And BC can also be the WORST about saying this, especially when it comes to the yard.

poolboy1
A girl can dream…

In my wildest of dreams I have a pool boy, a landscaper, a gardener and a yard man. A whole slew of he-men trimming and making my Barbie Dream House Garden come true. In my hood, most people have yard services and for the first 16 years we lived here we consistently violated the covenants by doing our own yard. And BC grew up in a household where his weekly duty was cutting their 1 acre yard thick with St Augustine grass that he had to use the push mower on for years.

It gives him major acid flashbacks. So when he did ours, he always came in with the ‘itches’.

I’m allergic to this, I’m allergic to that. When I cut that bush down I broke out in hives. Wahhh Wahhh Wahhh.

Never mind the fact that he just had to have that $1500 mower to make our grass perfect. Oh, and that makes him cough and sneeze constantly too.

So about a year ago, I convinced him to give it up and hire a yard service.

Saved the marriage. And got the HOA off our pine straw-less backs.

So for all of you who have friends, or family members that always say, “I can do that cheaper myself,” I give you

10 Things To NOT Do Yourself:

1. Heart Transplant
2. Cremation
3. Root Canal
4. Septic Tank Cleaning
5. Defend Yourself in Court
6. Breast Augmentation
7. Asbestos Removal
8. Hair Plugs
9. Build Your Own Swimming Pool (I swear he ALMOST tried this)
10. Lasix Eye Surgery

Cremation Update - 375
You’re a hot piece of ash…

I love my yard guys, even if they are portly and muddy. Cheaper than marriage counseling.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the SAME

Yesterday, I stumbled wearily in to my home laden with luggage, books, swag and a little hung over from learning, laughter, late nights and red wine. Never mind the planes trains and automobiles that I had to negotiate to arrive safely back in my nest.

BUSTED
BUSTED

But when I walked in my home I noticed that something was different. Or really, everything was the SAME.

Exactly as I had left it when I took off this past Thursday.

Had someone broken an arm?  Was my dear teen stricken with Ebola? Did BC run off with the Mail Girl?  Had The Rapture happened and I was Left Behind???

It was obvious that the fairies that take care of my home had gone on strike. The Pick Up Fairy must have handed in her notice because the Tupperware cup on the end table was STILL there from Thursday.

The Laundry Fairy had to have quit as well, she left the evidence for all to see.

laundry

And The Kitchen Fairy must be in Cabo with the Pool Boy because the sink is full and the pool is still green.

 

Bitch stole my Pool Boy
Bitch stole my Pool Boy

Thankfully my family WAS intact, BC on the couch watching the Masters and 18 applying her fake fingernails and getting polish all over her carpet for the umpteenth time. At least they are alive and the first comment I got was, “What did you bring me?”

They really really missed me, I can uh, tell.

This CEO is going to have some crappy performance reviews coming down the pipe soon. If they aren’t careful, I’m going to take the crock pot out of retirement and start using it again.

 

@Copyright Forever 51

 

 

 

My Secret Second Life – or Why I Still Have a Fanny Pack

f51potteryIn all of my spare time-since there is so much of that-I am a closet thrift store and Goodwill stalker. It’s an addiction that I probably will never give up. Because at least once a week I find an item that makes me want to take it, run up to the counter and pay for it so fast before the shop employees find out what it is. I mean, I get the nervous sweats when this happens. Better than sex I tell you!

This past week, I had not one, but THREE of those finds. The first was at Goodwill – I found a nearly brand new Longchamps backpack just hanging there on the rack for $4.95. It retails new over $100 and is a chic fave of college girls. THEN, I found a pair of pink and green Lilly Pulitzer capris for $3.95 at a thrift store. THEN, I found an all leather John Romain bag at this off the beaten path thrift store that I just decided to pull in to in a sketchy area for a dollar.

SCORE! Dooney (l)  Gucci (r) @me
SCORE! Dooney (l) Gucci (r) @me

Be still my heart.

For years I have antiqued and flea market shopped here in the southeast. There is no junk shop or thrift dive left uncovered in my little corner of the world.  My goal is to do a portion of the Longest Yard Sale this summer. And attend the Hollywood Bowl Flea this year. And Brimfield in Massachusetts, and Charlotte and Mt. Dora….that’s a lot of miles on the ol’ truck. I think I’m gonna need a bigger fanny pack.

I have an antique booth at The Green Bean Exchange here in Alpharetta, Georgia, and the monthly Lakewood 400 Antiques Market in Cumming. It’s more work than you can imagine but it is so much fun and the people are crazy, hilarious, fun, and very knowledgeable about their items.

Retro glasses, anyone?
Retro glasses, anyone?

I collect and sell mostly vintage tablecloths, transferware, old silver, some shabby chic pieces, vintage jewelry and vintage purses. I have been making tote bags out of vintage tablecloths I have collected over the years and also ones rescued from tablecloth purgatory with holes or stains on them. I have found the secret sauce that in 90% of the cases will get 50-year-old stains out of these things (a little original Dawn dish detergent, some peroxide and baking soda-make into paste and rub it on the stain) that I saw on Facebook. Don’t tell me Facebook is a waste of time…

My booth in Alpharetta
My booth in Alpharetta

This is the other part of the mermaid life many of y’all may not know about. Lots of people have secret second lives. I do carry around cash rolled up, I do try to keep this off the credit card, I arrange my errands to include antique malls and junk shops. I even arrange travel to include the passion. Mine happens to involve an affair with the past. And a Coach fanny pack.

Makes BC crazy until I bring him home something cool, like a vintage wood planer (yawn but gets his heart rate up), old cool tools, or in the case of a Goodwill score, a set of Leffe (that’s a Dutch beer he LOVES) beer glasses in mint condition for 5 bucks. It doesn’t take much people.

So, I bought a sewing machine at Goodwill this weekend. I am officially in my middle age crafting phase. God help me.

You can visit my Etsy Shop-The Happy Flea and see more items!happfleapic

Never Trust a Fart – and 21 Things You Need to Know at Midlife

  1. Get a bra fitting – be amazed and fascinated at what your true size is! Believe me, I thought I was in the 34’s until recently. Denial is a river in Egypt.playtex

2. Get a brow job and makeoverSephora is your new best friend. Or the Mac counter if you can take the music and the transgenders doing your lipstick. A gal at Sephora got ahold of me last week. I asked the innocent question-What is your BEST brow pencil? And I got a wonderful tutorial and an instant face lift. Do it, it’s worth it!

mebrows
3. QUIT with the high school hair-all I’m gonna say is if you still have the SAME hairdo as you did in your senior picture in 1978, get thee to a salon now! Farrah is (literally) dead. So is Annette Funicello – let’s get into 2014 and try something current.

RIP Farrah...oh and the sweater
RIP Farrah…oh and the sweater

4. Get a mammogram, colonoscopy, pap smear, stress test. It’s time. I don’t care if you just ran a half marathon or did hot yoga with the hot dude from town. Do it. Besides, a colonoscopy is a good 5 lbs gone and instant detox!

5. Moisturize-everything. Every day. Use the GOOD stuff, not the cheap Walmart stuff on your face at nite. Wear Sunscreen on your face. Let me tell you, I had a friend get a total facelift a couple of year ago, she looked like ET for a month, then a battered wife for the next and it still took a year for most of the scarring to heal and that surprised look to go away. I ain’t got that kinda time.
6. Exfoliate-this is the new mantra today-especially if you are hitting midlife. And let me tell you, you will be surprised at how well this works. I’ve been using Rodan and Fields exfoliate and AMP system and it has worked miracles. And no, I am not a rep. Also your body too-my calfs look like they belong in Gator World so I got that coconut palm oil sprayer thingie and do that in the shower. Works like a charm.

This stuff is the BEST
This stuff is the BEST

7. Pedicures-there is nothing worse than skanky toes in sandals. Please get a pedicure.

8. Carbs are not your friends-or rather, simple carbs are evil. Especially to me. And my teenager just got a job at a bagel place FTW. If its white, sugary and starchy you will end up with a muffin-which is what they are made of.

MuffinTop

9. Travel--go go go. Get a passport if you don’t have one. If anything you’ll feel kinda worldly. Take a girls trip. How cathartic are those??? I’m sorry but there is nothing better than sitting around a beach or mountain condo with your closest girlfriends drinking wine, laughing and telling stories. It’s that “Ok, so I’m not so crazy after all moment” that we all need once in a while

10. Keep toilet paper in your car at all times-trust me on this one…you just never know

11. Keep a journal

12. Get a decent camera-don’t rely on your smartphone to hold all your precious memories and porno shots. One drop in a toilet, or fall to a tile floor and all that could be gone, then you have to go to the phone store and have some basement nerd restore your pics. Woo hoo.  Back that baby up once a week at best. Get a nice digital camera-they now have wireless ones that you CAN post to Facebook, etc and still have that shot on a card you can download to your computer.

13. Try caviar – time to get adventurous with your food. Ok, I hate caviar but I love nigiri sushi-the really raw slab of fish (tuna especially) on hunk of rice. I also have found that quinoa, rice noodles, peppers and fried gator tail are pretty damn good. If you’ve made it this far without a major food issue, go for it. Still not sure about the chocolate crickets though.

14. Drink a Scotch – no carbs, no sugar and low cal. Also makes you more sophisticated, well maybe. Shots are so Carlos and Charlie’s in Cancun on a cheap cruise. Or Fireball Whiskey-oooh weeeeeeee

NOT a good idea...
NOT a good idea…

15. Get a car with heated seats-I will NEVER NEVER have a car again without heated seats. I don’t care how much the addition is, this one option is worth every penny. Especially if you are over 50

16. Fiber Fiber Fiber

17. Get a crock pot – you are busy and having a good time-makes cooking so easy

18. Buy anything with the word Astro in it – good advice from a wise sage in my family. I’ll leave it at that…
19.  Never trust a fart – especially during exercise. At this phase I have learned that if I am going to run, or downward dog, lactose is advised after exercising

20. Do exercise that you LIKE – so that means if you like to do the naked dance while doing laundry, its exercise in my book so go ahead with your bad self and pop a move-just make sure not to pop a hip.
And last but certainly not least (for this list anyway):

21. A Great Shoe and a Great Handbag don’t Judge…. You can be a size 14 or a size 6 and they will always be there for you to perk up your day. Don’t skimp and don’t wear Clarke’s on a date…

Oh HELL to The NO
Oh HELL to The NO

So, lucky for us, mom jeans are making a comeback, and MiracleSuits are on sale at Costco. Good luck my girlfriends-the ride is better HERE than anywhere!

 

I love sharing-you can join my on my Facebook page or better yet sign up to get me in your  inbox. Happy tails!

Hot Flash Friday – OutSmarting Your Teen 101 (Again)

Are you stalking your beloved hormone infused adolescent on social media???

texting

You should. Because this is where I find out about the latest stuff that they are in to and some tricks and tips for us parents that we NEED to know.

You can read about the sites your teenage daughter is probably on here.

My friends, the latest prank is messing with the shortcuts on your smart phone. So when you are texting or messaging someone and you type in a word like ‘sure’ it could magically change to ‘f#$ck yeah’ or in the case of one of my daughter’s friends, her boyfriend’s name change magically to ‘gorgeous penis’.

shortcutslol

When she texted her mom if ‘gorgeous penis’ could come over for dinner, uh, um, well, you can imagine.

So how do you make shortcuts, where are they in your settings, and what are they good for??? Here you go.

First open your SETTINGS app in your iPhone(I am using this as this is what I have) and go to

GENERAL

Then go to KEYBOARD

Once in Keyboard, making sure the Shortcuts are turned on, you can add some shortcuts. You can also monitor this area for any monkey business from your teen…

Some great shortcuts are for when you want to fill in blanks on forms on your smartphone which are a pain to do. I have created some quickies so that I can do that. For instance:

Go to ADD NEW SHORTCUT and put in your Phrase that you want to create a shortcut for-like your name. I did mine then created the shortcut that I could remember like xx.

Then add your email and call it em,

Then add your address and call it ad. And so forth.

You can do this however you want to remember it. So the next time you need to fill something our from your smart phone and that teensy fakata keypad you will be way happier!

So if you are texting someone and are trying to say Okay, and the word ‘love muffin’ keeps coming up, you have been shortcut hacked by your loving teenager.

Once again, a social media public service for my fellow harried parents of teens!

 

 

 

 

Networking and Scotch-It Works For Me!

balvenie-bottles

It’s nice to have friends in cool places. This is why I love networking-you never know who you are going to meet and how you can connect with each other to experience things you never thought possible.

Take for instance last year. I was tweeting with some other bloggers when I saw a call for bloggers to go to NYC to participate on a TV show. If you know me, I replied immediately to my soon to be new blogging BFF Julie Deneen of Julie Deneen 2.0 and Fabulous Blogging fame. The next thing I know I am at the CBS TV center in Manhattan at 7am waiting to participate as a tweeter/blogger for the Anderson Cooper Show!

We are BFF's now - Me and Deborah Norville at the former AC Show
We are BFF’s now – Me and Deborah Norville at the former AC Show

Last month I had the opportunity to review the new Jason Bateman movie, Bad Words, for Midlife Boulevard in Beverly Hills. I reached out to Leslie Marinelli of The Bearded Iris when I first started blogging 2 years ago (she lives near me, so I celebrity stalked her) and after a thorough background check she met me for lunch and we’ve become fast friends-she likes me even though none of my pets have prolapsed penises

This weekend, a good friend and up and coming Atlanta Designer Steve McKenzie and his wife Jill invited me to a blogger event at the American Craft Council’s craft show-it was a Scotch tasting with Balvenie Scotch. Steve is an artist and designer and he and Jill opened up a fabulous shop in town last year called Steve McKenzie’s. It is truly a treat with beautiful Grange furniture, accessories and table settings, Moleskine, pottery, china, Colsen Keane leather, and signature Steve McKenzie fabric. It’s becoming the hot new place to go for the Atlanta design trade and trend setting home owners.

http://stevemckenzies.com
GORGEOUS or WHAT???

I am not a food blogger, nor do I review much else but a few movies, books and restaurants. I am also a Cabernet girl so Scotch is not on my radar, even though it is always on BC’s. My last sip of Scotch was Johnny Walker Red in college on a date with a rich golfer frat boy to an ACC football game and it didn’t end well.

Johnny Walker Red – 1, Mary Anne – 0.

Suffice it to say it’s been 30 years since my last drink of Scotch (or Wild Turkey Bourbon–this Southern girl doesn’t do the hard stuff well).

But since I am adventurous, enjoy Jill, and got free admission to a craft show and free Scotch, I was game. It is, after all, networking

We went to a presentation by one of the reps from Balvenie Distillery in Scotland.  We tasted 4 flights of whisky (that’s without the E you see) from Scotch aged 12 years to one aged 21 years. And there IS a difference in taste and Scotch DOES have a bouquet and you DO stick your nose in the cute glass and sniff it. Just like boxed wine, uh huh.

scotch

And either my taste buds have matured, I’ve matured, or it was that those college memories have receded, but I really loved this Scotch. Of course, my favorite was the PortWood Balvenie aged 21 years in vintage port (the wine) pipes to the tune of around $250 a bottle.

I’m worth it.

My other favorite was the Caribbean Cask, aged 14 years in Caribbean rum casks-light and with fruit and vanilla overtones I thought that this was a great second place to the PortWood – and less expensive.

Oh, and Scotch doesn’t fill you up, has no added sugar, pairs well with dark chocolate and is totally Mad Men. One ounce of Scotch has 56 calories, zero carbs and zero sugar. And apparently men really dig a gal that orders a Scotch. I did my research and I can justify just about anything-it’s in my genes.

Thank you Jill and Steve – thank you Balvenie! See, networking IS important!

So guess what-I do enjoy a good Scotch. I guess I am heading in to Greta Garbo territory – “Gimme a whisky. Ginger Ale on the side. And don’t be stingy, baby.”

greta

 

STEEL Magnolias???

Glock 9mm
Glock 9mm

I shot a Glock and I LIKED it…

I am NOT a die-hard right-wing nut job.

I am NOT a huge proponent of weapons.

I do believe there should be SANE gun control.

I do not LIKE loud noises.

I have all of my teeth and I do have a CUTE pickup truck. Without a gun rack.

Monday is Ladies Day at our new local gun range. Ladies shoot free! Show up there and just check out who is pulling the trigger like no tomorrow: the tennis team captain, the soccer mom, even the gals from the Bridge club in the neighborhood.

Seriously.

BC (the ball and chain hubby) took me for the first time a couple of months ago. I had been resisting this whole ordeal because, frankly, the whole gun thing skeeeeeeers me.  I never grew up around them, they kill and maim people, and I knew nothing about them. And I liked not knowing about them. My bubble is fine thankyouverymuch.

But over time, being married to a military man who collects these things (and safely keeps them in a huge safe locked away for eternity) I was talked in to going ‘at least once’ to at the very minimum, learn and try. So off we went to Ladies Day. Because, you know, if I didn’t like it, at least BC didn’t have to pay for it.

Off we went. Got in that truck, cranked some ZZ Top, and went around the corner in suburbia to the range that’s right beside the local grocery and ballet studio. What an oxymoron.

This new range is very luxurious, leather couches, a flat screen ,viewing area, and quiet. BC handed me some ear muff thingies and in we went. There were a couple of people in there shooting some scary rifles. It was loud even through my ear protectors but kind of muffled. I wanted to turn around and rum screaming from this place. It smelled like gunpowder and metal (duh). BC set me up with a small .22 pistol to try first. He showed me how to hold it, how to load it and all the safety parts. He set up the target down the way and had me cock the pistol (heh heh I said cock) and then aim at the target. My heart racing, I pulled the trigger. Pop! Missed the center but hit the edge! And it wasn’t really that loud.

Now that wasn’t so bad.

After I got a little more courageous he brought out the 9mm Glock. This is a well-known gun, expensive, kinda sleek and pretty, has quite a kick to it, and is LOUD.

The trigger was waaaay harder to pull than the .22 that was for sure. and it didn’t pop-it went BOOM! That was a Depends moment for me.

But completely empowering.

Then I was done. All of about 15 minutes. BC and the 18-year-old then proceeded to bring out the big stuff and shoot some more. I went to the lobby area to enjoy the leather seating and relax. He cleaned up, packed every thing up and we headed home.

What is with the tacky shirts? BC and 18 on a hunting trip
What is with the tacky shirts? BC and 18 on a hunting trip

I then found out that the gals in the local Bridge group (average age 60’s) go to the same place on Mondays as well. These are the girls with the Blue Willow china, the convertibles, and attend their churches every Sunday. And the tennis girls. Saw one on Facebook the other day posed with an AR rifle (holy God I am NOT going to do that) shooting away at the range. And cute skeet shooters that are my daughter’s age.

garden-and-gun-3My favorite magazine is Garden and Gun. There are some cute leather bags with hidden gun compartments in them, there are pink guns, and skeet shooting is oh so royal sounding.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to get all armed up and nut jobby. It’s important if your significant other has firearms to learn about them, learn gun safety, and insist they be locked up. I was psycho momma for years before this making sure all were hidden well (ammo and guns separately) locked up and untouchable by me and any kids. And believe me, BC did a very good job with that. And I am still psycho mom about it, even though now I know more than I did a couple of years ago.

The reason the Bridge group goes is because they wanted to learn how to protect themselves if they end up living alone. Makes a lot of sense. Many of my divorced and single girlfriends are learning to protect themselves as well. And I think that is really important.

And the empowerment part, well, I’m not gonna go out and be all Charlie’s Angels, but I do think, given the circumstance, at least I won’t be afraid to  protect myself. Because if anyone is going to steal my designer knock off bag, harass my family, or break in to my home, they’d better be prepared-it WILL get ugly.

So, okay, it’s not a trip to the mall, which I much prefer. But I’ll go again.

As long as they start making cuter accessories for us girls. Just saying…

 

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Welcome to EATcopalypse 2014!

The Southeast got over 4 inches. The Northeast is bracing for up to 14 inches. All diet centers have closed for the time being. No meetings, weigh ins, consultations. Some gyms are open. Power is a issue all over the Eastern US. Yet, grocery stores have been wiped out. Especially prior to these storms. We will NOT go hungry.

It’s not Snowcopalypse 2014, its EATcopalypse 2014!

And this is one of two pantries we have....
And this is one of two pantries we have….

Why do these storms make us think we will run out of food? It’s not like we, as a society, really keep bare pantries.  And bread and milk? Funny, the gluten free posts have stopped on my timeline. Even Wheat Belly has taken a break.

Working out? Those of you who find it necessary to tell us about your long walk/run in the wind and snow, just watch this:

 [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPTt6MgsOt8]

God is good. It’s dangerous out there folks…

In my household, the eat-a-thon began Tuesday.  So far we have gone through a package of Oreos, tortilla chips, jar of salsa, a dozen cranberry orange muffins, hot dogs, popcorn, sodas, lemonade (and vodka), red wine, beer, salad, steak and chicken, potatoes, Frosted Flakes, trail mix, cheese, chicken salad from Costco, and more.

And there are only three of us.

Even the dogs are eating more. I’ve gone through two regular bags of dog food since Monday – all they wanna do is eat-aside from the fact that they ARE playing in the snow, making it yellow, and then napping on my leather couch.

It’s like we just can’t be trapped at home and do regular things, oh, like read, have conversations, play games, knit, clean. Nooooo, we eat and cook, cook and eat. The first flake on Tuesday had me pre-heating the oven to 350 for no reason at all.

See, told you I was hungry....
See, told you I was hungry….

It’s like we are food zombies. We aren’t looking for another person to eat (well, desperate times, desperate measures remember that book, Alive??? scary) we are throwing all good eating habits out the window and digging in. The minute we hear there’s no school, to stay off the roads, we hunker down. Pre-heat our ovens, start that soup, open that wine.

What does hunker mean anyway????

hun·ker

intransitive verb ˈhəŋ-kər

: to lower your body to the ground by bending your legs

hun·keredhun·ker·ing

Full Definition of HUNKER

1:  crouch, squat —usually used with down
2:  to settle in or dig in for a sustained period —used with down <hunker down for a good long wait — New Yorker>

Origin of HUNKER

probably akin to Middle Dutch hucken, huken to squat, Middle Low German hōken to squat, peddle, Old Norse hūka to squat

First Known Use: 1720
_________________________________

It’s an instinctual survival mechanism. Because you know, if we get stranded, we can live off that fat for a week or two.

Hunker down people, this muffin’s gonna keep me alive!

MuffinTop

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I can justify anything…

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Hot Flash Friday-Oops, Tuesday – What’s a Skong????

HFF is when I round-up the week in my world and bring you fun things me and my wacky friends did last week (sorry I am a little late).  So I hereby dub today Better Late Than Never Because I Was Out of Town and It’s Hard to Post from a Smartphone Tuesday…

mekim

I visited one of my college BFF’s last week in Los Angeles. Many of you know I’m married to and airline pilot solely for the travel benefits. Hey, 25 plus years of free flights is worth the hassle of him wearing polyester uniforms, ugly underwear and t-shirts he has saved since high school.

So Live from Burbank! I scooted out here to review a Jason Bateman movie for Midlife Boulevard, shopped vintage studio clothing in Burbank, drank margaritas overlooking the LA Equestrian Center with a Willie Nelson impersonator while listening to the Swinging Armani Brothers, met an eccentric British owner of a thrift and prop shop that had an S&M Barbie and Ken (really)on display and a spinning globe hanging from the ceiling with aliens decorated in Santa hats. This place is way cool for a cracked southern suburban belle like me. I love finding out that there are way more crazies out there than me.

My girl friend out here has her own company that funds documentaries and raises money for green projects. When I arrived on Wednesday, she had just finished teaching a yoga class at the Hollywood Senior Center that was filled with fun retired gals and guys from the industry. That is just totally too cool in my book. Oh, and her hubs used to be an alien on Star Trek Next Generation and she knows some really fun peeps.

Does YOUR Husband have a bubblegum card???
Does YOUR Husband have a bubblegum card???

My sister from another mister – Menopausal Mom featured my post Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger on her Wacky Wednesday series. Check me out and definitely check her out too-she is amazingly funny and has been featured on some of the biggest humor sites out there.

Menopausal Mother

I am really upset at my favorite mind-numbing reality show, The Bachelor. I was like a teenage girl so giddy about Juan Pablo and come to find out that he is OBVIOUSLY in this for the notoriety, not for zee loooovvvee. Anyway, we still watch it because anything to drag us out of reality for two hours is great and so I offer you the stupid reasons why we watch it.

On Friday, we ventured to the Venice beach area – I was able to whip out my phone and snap some crazy! Will be loading to my Instagram -follow me @hellomap!

venicebeachcollage

The Olympics started this weekend and I will be covered up in blankets excited about watching skiing, skating and curling for 14 days. Because it’s the ONLY time I ever care about skiing, skating and curling. Poor Bob Costas, looks like the sheets in the hotel rooms are not doing his eyes any favors.

bob-costas-pink-eye-meme

And RANT coming:  Look, I am as progressive and wild as the next person but some of these ladies in figure skating are going down the Victoria’s Secret road and those costumes are starting to sport what I call skongs (skating thongs). I am sorry, but this mom would not let her teen go all butt-cheek on an international stage. It’s really hard to skate to Tchaikovsky with half your heinie hanging out.

ashley-wagner-meme-3

Just saying.

Oh, and our snow it back here in Atlanta. The Mayor and Gubner are all over the TV having CYA news conferences preparing for the second round of #Clusterflake2014.

Bless their hearts.